I received my first major project ten days ago. I was to hook a friend of a friend up with a four piece set for his streaming platform. I undersold myself pretty big: If Art studios were Laboratories where ideas were created, mine would be of the meth persuasion. I opted to throw in the 4th piece for free, on the conditions of word of mouth. Let people know I did it and tell them my name; cigarettes and monsters are getting expensive.

At some point when I started my buck-fifty line art gallery, I was stricken with doubt, It felt easier and easier to draw these figures. I changed the simplest technique, and my lining went from looking like a cave man chiseled it out of stone to proper pencil on paper. Life up to this point hasn't been this easy. I can't think of anything more stressful than starting a new job, something I've become quite well accustomed to at this point. I was conditioned to associate easy and reward with laziness, decadence, etc. You only get to feel good if you succeed. I have done anything but it up until this point in my life. I just felt like I didn't deserve this. I canceled one commission, and completely forgot about the other.

I've been plagued with mental malady for what feels like most of my life, and at the beginning of August, I had my worst outburst of mania yet. In the throws of it's storm, it got so bad that I had to mumble my thoughts, less they be blown away and snuffed out by the screaming noise of my mind. The eyes of this storm consisted of lucid fear as I sat at the peripheral of another wall of the storm as it rushed towards me. It ended with What I thought was a heart attack. I chewed on aspirin, and was taken to the ER by a Sheriff's Deputy. I learned it wasn't a heart attack, but a panic attack. The way it was explained to me that men tend to experience heart attack like symptoms when your limit breaks.

Usually these end with hopping back on the vicious cycle. Bending over backwards with some serious black magic to secure another job to make sure I don't lose a check, only to lose my mind the next year or so. But this time, it was different. I went home, and I re-evaluated my goals. I want to draw 50 line art commissions for 1.50. I'm truly doing it to pad my portfolio and get into practice, while being afford what little creature comforts I can for the moment.

I didn't know where to begin, so I just traced the geometry of his old VOD screen. I stared at the reference of the character he provided me, and I flipped through the doc that was given to me describing them. I decided to dedicate the character's most striking feature to the geometry of the screen. Tentacular appendages, and those striking eyes. I can't exactly explain the process, but with each sequential piece I sketched, I found the vision for something better. Four sketches I said I could complete in a day became half a week with four separate works at varying stages of completion.

It was a chaotic process. I spent hours in front of my tablet until my mind and my arm burned. I woke up at five every morning to work until 3-5 in the afternoon. I woke up people screaming at team fortress 2 to blow off stress at awkward hours. I had relapsed hard into tobacco, and was up to a pack a day. The finish was messy. I had to edit so many details I may have overlooked. My client was a nitpicker, but I appreciated the challenge. I was capturing HIS vision, right?

Quitting wasn't on my mind. My situation wasn't on my mind. There was only one thing on my mind, and that was joy. Not my joy, but that of my client's. To think that I could make somebody this happy just by doing this. It felt so rewarding. My hands hurt, I literally had to perform open art surgery on one of the flat colors because I fucked up the abdomen. But these tedious processes. Changing tools, changing layers, drawing, only to repeat the process over and over for hours, it all felt great. It felt so rewarding, and I was content the whole time.

The completion day came, and I watched his stream for the first time. I saw that the image of the screen he sent me was animated. It looked so cool with small moving bits, shifting colors, and full blown animation. Upon wrapping my head around it, I immediately said to our mutual friend, "Jeeze, compared to his current set up, he's taking a direct downgrade with my work." He then explained to me the novelty to having something unique crafted for you, and that kind of made sense to me.

I collected my payment, he began to show me the beautifully animated transitions he has in store for the reveal on his stream It was amazing. Seeing this wonderfully colored screen break into my art put a smile on my face. I go to move the funds to my bank, and I saw that he sent me more than what was discussed, but he told me that it was to pay for the piece I waved cost for. I sat back staring at the screen, and an involuntary tear ran down my cheek. I take off my glasses, and I fucking sob because now, I'm feeling my own joy. It's only been about a few weeks back into this project, but I feel like a season has passed since I picked up my stylus again.

Excuse the formatting, It's like half literary fluff, half simpleton babble; that's just my state of mind right now but this was definitely the win I needed that I have to shout for anybody to hear.