Previous Journal: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11242771/

I'm struggling with my words right now, but I wanted to make a follow up to the last post I made. At least, hopefully the last one for another long period of time. For the last few months, things haven't been all so easy on me. I guess the place to start with is my job. Work was still hectic up until early October where we actually got a new General Manager running our Panda Express, but my hours got severely reduced to where I'm working only one day a week, getting only 4 and a half hours for that one shift. The reasoning behind this, far as I can remember, is that they want to prioritize hours to those who've been at the company longer, can hold their own, and how reliable they are to work with. Considering my hours and my status from earlier in the year, it's no wonder why I'm not getting anything. I wasn't trying to be bad on the job or be awful on purpose to others, but impulses got in the way. And the way I think, too. I have so much free time now, but barely a clue what to do with it as my mind was so wired on working at Panda for most of it that I'm not quite sure how to function like I used to. I'm still trying to find another job, even if I'm struggling to fill out an application with a straight face. I understand this journal might be ranty/info dumping, so if you want to skip to the "TL;DR" part further down below, I don't mind it. I just thank anyone who gave their time reading what I have to say.

Continuing on, my physical health has certainly not been great recently. In the middle of September(the 11th, to be exact), I slept that night going into the next day with a very dry throat. And several days later, I came down with what I assume is a fever. I worked a lot that week, even went out with friends cause I was their ride for an evening, but I could barely get time to lay down in bed and recover. It took up to a week for me to actually start feeling better, but ever since, I haven't felt the same. A bit off balance, not thinking as straight as I used to, and it was harder for me to enjoy certain things. I don't know if I have anything else in terms of an illness, but I unfortunately can't go to a doctor due to not having any health insurance. I failed to sign up for one earlier in the year and while I do have a chance now, the lack of hours/pay is making me nervous to attempt to seek one out at this time. And soon enough, I'll be going to MFF this year again with friends, getting gifts for folks between my family and friends; paying off little expenses I've made on the side out of the assumption that I'd be secured on hours. As you can see, my main worry has been hours and money to a point where that's what I've mostly been thinking about the past 3 weeks.

If you've seen a few of my BlueSky posts, you'll know that I've been heavily engrossed in Pokemon Legends Z-A since it's launch. And to be honest, maybe too engrossed. I don't wish to keep this to myself, but I feel a bit guilty for letting one game consume me out of FOMO(making a Mega Evolution tied to online play and may/may not return anytime soon after a ranked season is over) and wanting to actively avoid social media spoiling me. To touch lightly on this, I seriously hate how bad the spoilers got for Z-A compared to past Pokemon titles as it feels like Twitter/X ran WILD with it, posting leaks all over the place to the point where I was genuinely pissed that I can't just browse casually on there or YouTube for this matter thanks to these assholes ruining the fun of discovering things on my own time. But back to the main point. I feel guilty about letting this game take so much of my time as I didn't spend much of it with friends and even blew them off a couple times. I regret this heavily. I hold myself to a high degree to a point where I've birate or argue with myself on the mistakes I've made and this just doesn't extend to what I've described here, but on many other things. It's gotten to a point where darker thoughts have started to sprout up and while I've pushed them away much as I could, they keep coming back. Stemming back to earlier, as much as I'd like to seek professional help like I've said in an earlier journal this year, the lack of healthcare and funds just isn't in my favor. And counseling myself...you get the picture.

Because of how the past 3 weeks have been for me, I'm not entirely happy with myself still. And making myself happy has been a struggle in of itself. I can hardly get out of the bed willingly in the morning, actually staying in bed more times than not, and just...wanting to do nothing. Hell, part of me wanted to simply write a story and be creative about my internal thoughts, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've been so quiet on a lot that I'm just slowly killing myself without realizing it. Just silencing myself to not bring others down further. ...But part of me knows that's not what anyone wants out of a guy like me. To shove their feelings aside and have them not be who they are or talk about what's on their mind. I've isolated myself more than I should've these past few weeks. I want to reconnect with people and feel social again. Maybe it's been more than these 3 weeks. Beyond that, to be frank. This year has been filled with a lot of shit thanks to a single man who has made a lot of horrible decisions and making the world suffer for it. But the problems I have are my own to bare at the end of it all. I'm responsible for my own actions and mistakes I've made the past year. And I can't sit around and let myself rot. It's just my ill-ridden mind telling me to do that as it thinks I deserve it for being a bad person who isn't good enough for his job, friends, or life in general. It's...just me telling this all to myself. ...Huh.

TL;DR - The past 3 weeks have been driving me down in a downward spiral - mostly because of expenses and work - to a point where I feel I'm not enough for many things and a disappointment. Prior to it all, I've had a hard time with work and finding another job.

I don't have a solid idea yet how I wish to be better from all this, but I still want to apologize to those I've wronged in recent times. I don't hold myself lightly when it comes to making mistakes and I want to be better for them, but I need more time to think it all over among other things. The stuff with Twitch...I'm holding off on for maybe another week. I'm not wanting to rush back into something just for the sake of money. But rather, something I can be happy with again and find something to make me more positive. Once more, no solid ideas yet on how I wish to improve myself. I wanted to let these skeletons out of my closet for a bit now and maybe my wording on a lot of this wasn't the best, but that's just me: I'm not the best with my words like I used to be. Probably why I hesitated to go back to writing stories after a long time. With that being said, I do thank anyone who's read the entirety of this and if you have any words of advice for a man like me, please share anything with me. Even if it is criticism, I'd like to hear the opinion of others in what they have to offer me. It helps me know if what I'm saying was right or not. And if not...at the very least, I got a thought out there while I can. I'll leave it at that. You all take care and pray that things are going better on your end. See you around.