Hi there everyone!

I'm very sorry for that last journal entry...

I had a really bad breakdown last month

This happened due to a combination of events and factors during the last couple months
- Got let go from my warehouse job unexpectedly in mid-January

- Due to that, I was unable to pay for a commission in Feb (which was started back in Dec)
This led to a very sucky situation with the artist (I already apologized to them. I just want to move on from this)

- Stressful job search, while also broke as fuck

- Feeling like a worthless failure and fuck-up overall

I apologize if I genuinely concerned anyone who read the journal

Thank you to those who commented. I read every word. It really helped ❤️

Please know that I am safe and sound.

Thankfully, I managed to get a new warehouse job, which I'll be starting in April. This means I can properly plan on saving up, and I can also focus on finishing my online studies

TW: Rambling and Life Reflection, brief mention of su*cide

Sadly, this isn't the first time I contemplated su*cide. I rarely talk about this, but I should be honest about it.

I'm living with Chronic Depression and Anxiety, mixed with OCD. So, whenever I'm dealing with overwhelming stress, intrusive thoughts, and negative emotions, my body just shuts down, and a breakdown usually occurs.
I recover from these breakdowns by just taking time to calm myself and getting some rest.

However, sometimes I get scared that whenever I have a breakdown so severe, I'll end up hurting myself in some way.

I've been consistently attending therapy since 2020. It helps talking about whatever I'm going through and learning different coping skills. The problem is I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with myself.
I feel like I should be dependable and competent. I should have my life together.
Instead, I'm constantly unhappy and feel as if "I'm hanging on by a thread"

I guess I've always just been mentally weak or fragile. I've always tried to put on this tough front and act like I'm a cool and collected individual.

Truth is, I lack self-confidence and self-compassion.
I'm always hard on myself and I'm not being patient with my own
self-improvements.
I've always been focused on being kind to others, but not kind to myself


At this point, I've made peace with the fact that it's hard for me to make friends or even maintain relationships
(Whether IRL or online)

It's hard for me to hold/progress conversations past a friendly greeting.

I tend to overthink and dwell on past interactions.

I don't know why I care so much about what people think about me or why I keep comparing myself to others.
My mind keeps doing this and it's so stupid!

I shouldn't care about stuff like that. I shouldn't let that hold me back from conversing with like-minded people.

What's frustrating is that there are plenty of people on this site (bsky/discord too) who share the same passions and interests that I do. It makes me feel bad sometimes.

However, this goes back to my social anxiety.
It's hard for me to tell whether someone is a friend or not.

Even when I'm struggling mentally or physically at one point, it's hard to bring myself to reach out to others for help.

I don't EVER want others to see me as a burden or nuisance.
I don't want to have to depend on others just to get back on my feet.
In fact, I would like to be someone who is reliable to others and be there for others when they need help.


It looks like I will also be taking a small break from getting commissions. Since I'm starting a new job soon, I want to focus on managing my funds better. Once that's handled, I'll likely continue buying art, just with more strategic planning.

I've been commissioning art since 2015 (when I graduated from high school)
I'm grateful that I've been able to indulge in this hobby. It's been one of the few things that give me joy in life.

Over the years, I would sometimes overdo it when commissioning art. When I first started, it gave me a such a huge high.
Sometimes, I would spend money way over my budget, and I would get in some tough situations because of it.
Now that I'm older and more experienced, I'm trying to improve of managing my funds better.


Sorry for the long journal, I just needed to get these thoughts out. I also wanted to replace the last negative journal entry

I'll be turning 29 on Mar 30th. Hopefully things will turn up in the spring and summer. This has been a very bad 2026 so far.
At least there are many positive things to look forward to.

♡ Take care everyone ♡