I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT MY MOTHER JUST TOLD ME!

that was just cold...

I am a musician. a part of being a musician is practicing and playing scales arpeggios, going through notes slowly and painfully but loving every moment of it. plunking or rolling the keys or tickling the ivory's how ever you want to say it, that is what a musician does.

all i ever strive to do is please her. try new things every day, a piece I've never played before, and do something with myself other then become a druggie or alcoholic, or whatever. it was her wishes and i thought i could do this. so i took on the challenge at a young age to teach myself how to play piano and other instruments. i have achieved. but because i am SELF TAUGHT that means I AM GOING TO BE SLOWER AT LEARNING AND NOT AS ADVANCED as a regular learned musician. I could never afford such things as lessons, i am still in a welfare family. i have no control over that, but it Doesn't mean i cannot do what i love.

well. today, as every other day i sat down to play, my mother is in the kitchen at the table on her phone, not even talking. or paying attention to the fact that im there. so i begin to play parts from Beethoven's moonlight sonata third movement. i finished. i then proceed to scales and whatnot.

apparently all i had to do was get stuck on one song to set her off. i played one chord over and over again till i would remember it, (BTW CANNOT read music to save my life, i play entirely by ear)
I heard her coming to the living room where i was, and she was just huffing and puffing, like holy fuck... "WHY DON'T YOU EVER PLAY ANYTHING RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP? YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOUR 'MUSIC' AND ITS DEFINITELY NOT ENJOYABLE TO ANYONE?? AND ITS GOING NO WHERE SO JUST STOP!"

...

she goes on

"ITS REALLY ANNOYING YOU KNOW TO HEAR YOU PLAY PIANO EVERY DAY, ESPECIALLY WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS NO MUSICALITY IN THEM"

well then... if you dont want me to play then why did you always encourage me to play as a kid? why did you give me the tools to learn, why did you make me learn to love classical music the huh?

ya FUCK YOU TOO.





i dont even know what im worth now... all i lived for was music, and the joy of music, the joy it brought others, especially to those who i thought loved me, i played for them... i practiced for them... I GAVE ENDLESS HOURS OF MY LIFE THAT I CAN NEVER GET BACK FOR THEM???!!!?!?!?!

it was my reason to continue... now im just stuck. lost.