I finally feel like some progress is being made

First, regarding last week, I'm unsure if I should keep discussing it publicly. I feel like even bringing it up publicly was the right thing and I should've just stayed silent. I feel sorta like I threw a live grenade or something like that. Even if I did the right thing, I still feel like it was handled poorly, and I'm sorry. I've got a lot of emotions still swirling around about it that I'm still trying to process. I do want to thank everyone who helped me through this past week. I don't intend to use you guys as my therapist. I already have a therapist, and I am also planning on attending a support group for SA victims.

This week there weren't any terrible repressed memories.

So I went into this with a question. Why do I keep lying? But I feel like I already knew the answer. I'm unhappy. I've known this for years. But was there something deeper? Surprisingly? Not really. I'm unhappy, and want to be someone I'm not. And subsequently, the question of "why am I unhappy?" is also pretty obvious. I'm useless and bad at everything.

Turns out, I've been asking the wrong question. The question I should be asking is "why aren't you doing anything about it?"

Let me take you back. Throughout my childhood/adolescence, I was enrolled in a variety of extra-curricular activities. Sports, instruments, etc. you name it, I probably tried it at some point. I gave up on all of them. Why did I do this? Because I was bad at them. But, of course I was. Has anyone ever played a piano and been amazing right off the bat? No, of course not.

Then why the hell have I given up so easily on so many things? Simply put, I have never received anything but negative reinforcement. My family would frequently tell me how awful I was at everything I did. Things like "That was awful, you need more practice." Or "That's the best you can do? Have you been slacking off?" Stuff like that. It made me miserable. I distinctly remember at 8 years old, playing violin, and being part of a recital for the first time. When I got home, my entire family spent the entire night berating my lack of skills, and how I was the worst one in the show, and that I would never be a world class violinist at my rate. I never touched the violin again after that night.

This continued up until I graduated high school when I was in the drama club my senior year, which I really enjoyed, but I didn't pursue anything like that after, cause once again I was told that I was terrible at it and wasn't applying myself. Looking back, I'm kind of amazed I even graduated high school since I didn't have a 4.00 GPA. Being set loose was overwhelming to say the least, and looking back, it's no wonder I flamed out in just two years.

But if you remember, I did draw for a few years. Why did I stop? I think I'm about to say a phrase countless furries have said in horror at one point. My mom found my FurAffinity page. She didn't see anything overly-fetishy, but finding out I was an artist opened up a whole new avenue to tell me I sucked at something and needed more practice. This completely killed my enthusiasm. This almost happened to my writing when a few years ago, my dad found out I wrote short stories, but he never saw any of my works, and I want to keep it that way. Still hasn't stopped him from suggesting I take a creative writing class every chance he can.

I think this goes a long way to explain why I feel so averse to trying anything. I've basically received nothing but negative reinforcement my entire life. I think this goes a long way to explaining why when someone mis-took my ex-boyfriends art for my own, I decided to run with it. I'm so starved for positive reinforcement, I'm willing to do some shitty dishonest things just to get it. This isn't an excuse. In fact, it's still pretty pathetic. But I understand myself a bit more.

Don't mistake this for me asking you all to go easy on me. I don't want people to treat me any different. Once again, this is all about being as transparent as possible. But it actually feels like I'm moving forward. I really want to thank everyone for sticking by me in this really difficult time. I do appreciate you all.