Im not good at keeping people up to date of my activities. Im horrible at a lot of things but being up to date is a major thing Im bad at.

The job is great. Been working my virtual ass off. Pay raise on the horizon (yay!), life still chugging along. I just need to get off my virtual ass and stop being so anti social.

Its hard. It really is. It seems that just when I get a foothold or handhold on my life, something or someone throws a rock at me and I drop to my psychological death.

Crippling self doubt and trust issues being the boulders of my life.

I thought about taking some night courses, but I honestly dont know what I want to do with my life? Well, whatever life I have left.

Creeping up on 43 tends to get you thinking about the next 40 years of your life, you know? Its like a switch turned on and I was like.. "FUCK. Im not 30 anymore."

Truth? Im scared. Scared to freaking death of being totally and completely alone. I mean, living in a cardboard box under a highway overpass, alone.

Its like for the past 13 years I have been living in a bubble so I wouldnt get hurt again and I suddenly realized that life just went on without me. That's fucking hard to deal with, you know?

Just so you all know, Im not whining. Just... talking it out.

Part of the problem is my past. I suppose I cant get over it just yet. But Im seriously trying. I guess losing the ability to procreate is one strike. Not being able to trust a thing coming out a guy's mouth is another.

LSS... My newest ex boyfriend decided to pull the.. "Im getting a new phone and I will text you with the new number" BS. That was 4 months ago. I know his snail mail address. I will be writing him a letter shortly. 10 years of on again off again Bullshit seems to be a reason to finally give him the final finger of fuck you.

The long and short of it is that Im lonely. I barely get a hug out of my 11, but acts 21, year old niece. Did I mention I hate puberty? I havent had an adult hug that wasnt with a family member in... 3 years?

Quick tip: Invest in Duracell... it seems to be the only thing Im really buying anymore.

In other news... life is just life. Every day is the same. Work and home, home and work. With some days off where I lounge out on my lazyboy, reading through my forests of books with my black cat, Loki on my lap.

Im the most boring person in the world, I guess. Hopefully I dont waste another year without an update.