I’m not looking for advice right now, just someone to listen. I'm writing this fairly late into the night and some of this may sound confused. 
 
I had this massive thing written out but it failed, it failed to express the emotion I felt. I still feel. A massive pile of random words.
So, here is a condensed statement. It is an attempt: I feel am just alone in life, I have some people online to conversation with. The family I do have do not understand mental health and view it as an excuse.
So here it is I am dealing with Bipolar Type 2 with rapid cycling with underlying severe depression. I have little true support. So, I have distanced with out intention. I feel like I need to buy my way into people's good graces even if I don’t have the money. Or jumped headfirst into something “new” and it throws me into debit because I don’t think, and when I do its to late. I am scared, scared of loosing people, being a disappointment, of being “that guy” and being alone. And me posting this, it will bring some people out of the woodwork for a while but I will just end up being in the same place. I don’t know how to be happy. Or even know what true meaning of “love” for me. So yeah.