This is a journal about weight loss and my current situation of hating myself for being an asshole with zero self control that beats himself up constantly because of it and hides his pain because he hates others seeing him as anything other then the smiling happy go lucky person. I'm petrified of truly opening up about my sadness so anyways... Here I go.

I guess I'll start with why I'm depressed and hating myself first. I've always been a big guy, I played sports in high school but college I was more concerned with drinking Thursday-Saturday then actually taking care of myself. I kept myself socially active, plenty of friends, relationships etc but I was never happy with my body. This wasn't a cosmetic thing either, this was a major health issue. In senior year of college I developed a back issue that the doctors said was partially due to my weight, here I am at age 22 having back surgery and I'm not an athlete. A few months later I developed a foot problem that caused me to need foot surgery at 23. In high school and still currently I have a kidney issue where basically I excrete protein in my urine(gross whatever don't care). This is an issue that gets better with weight loss. (still at roughly 85 percent function). But anyway I wrote that to show the health concerns.

One year after college at 23 I finally got the motivation to do something.
July 2010 to be exact. I was pushing the scales at 317lbs. Granted I'm 6'6" so it doesn't look like it but it felt like it. It was immediate. I jumped right in. I ate well, kept a weight loss/exercise blog on the poker forum I go on, read weight loss books etc. I WAS KILLING IT. Walking/running 3-4 miles a day, biking 7-10 miles a day, weight lifting. I cut out fast food, I stop smoking weed, I stopped eating junk food, soda? nope gone... water only. I worked out everyday no problem.

By December/January i was down to 245 lbs!!!!! (I FUCKING HATE TYPING THAT. I HATE MYSELF.)

Then the mistake happened. I treated myself, Mcdonalds here, burger king there. I got complacent like an asshole. I don't have to give the entire story, but a depressing break up here and there a job i hate, my own depression and now flash forward to 2015 and I'm 356 pounds.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MYSELF

Just turned 28 and I couldn't walk up steps without thinking my left knee was going to giveway. I WORKED SO FUCKING HARD AND I DID THIS TO MYSELF.

My motivation came back in late April(honestly started because I want to look good in a fursuit but then i realized that's a really stupid fucking reason and now it's because of my health and how much i hate myself), I started walking again. 3 miles a day to start, I'm trying to do better with eating. I'm still working out 6 days a week break on saturday because I usually work a double. I'm doing about 4-5 miles a day walking with a mile run thrown in. I USED TO RUN 5 MILES AND I CAN BARELY DO ONE NOW. PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT I DID.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm currently 320ish. It doesn't feel good. It made me cry. It made me so sick that knowing just to get under 300 I had to lose 57 pounds from the fucking start. THAT'S INSANE. When I started losing weight the first time around I was still under what I am currently. It's consuming my thoughts it's making me depressed. I'm busting my ass nearly everyday, no matter the day I'm having I exercise, hell I walk and jog at 1am. I'm supposed to feel good after a workout, instead I feel like someone who fucked himself over and treated his body like an asshole. After every workout when I struggle to sit down because of my left knee pain and my back I resent myself. I hate looking at a mirror I'm disgusted at what I see, not because I'm fat but because of all the work I did and how I have to do it all again.

I'm disgusted because I know I have months left just to get to where I was and I should have showed some self respect in the past. Hell I don't even talk about my weight loss, the first time around no one knew except my girlfriend and family. The only reason I'm talking about it now was because of how depressed I was after working out tonight. I'm sitting here, ice pack on my knee, hating myself.

I don't feel good and I haven't felt good for a while about myself. I really mask it. I'm so upset at myself and I can't stop crying when I look at pictures of me and what I was and all the work I did. PLEASE IF YOU'RE LOSING WEIGHT DON'T GET COMPLACENT. PLEASE. I know I'm doing well now, but it's not healthy to keep being depressed every night I work out.

Honestly, I'm writing this out because this was an awful night after my workout and honestly I feel weird just randomly messaging you guys because I rarely open up fully because I'm nervous that people will resent me and that I'm needy. This is just someone I've been because I've been burned by so many people for opening up. Only one person knows about this and granted that's my doing, but I just feel alone in my thoughts too much.