I apologize to the readers in advance, I rarely use this place except when I'm feeling a little too proud of who I am, as rare as that is. Yeah, this'll be a rant about feelings, and as I know, feelings don't matter for shit. Only facts. But since my feelings are due to facts, are they more valid at all? Even a little? I don't care, maybe getting them all out to the uncaring world can keep them from bouncing around in my head as much. I, am inferior. I've been trying to accept that for a long time, but the more I try to put it behind me, the frustration with the fact just piles on, and I don't even bother to try to make something of myself. I could feel popular one minute, then see someone else do nothing and get smothered with attention, then feel shitty for a week. I could work my hardest on a scene or something, have it be liked for a day, then have the same partner prattle on the next day about how great another person was in a scene, like mine was forgotten about as soon as it happened. But that's just the nature of these things, and why I tend to cling to those who act like people beyond just a character. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Usually. I see the ones I care about toss me aside or just ignore me for someone they like better, or that is simply more interesting. What little energy I have anymore is always stamped out by my own inferiority, that dread of the inevitable forgotten state I'm left in. Hell, there's not one person I've ever known who hasn't cast me aside for someone else. Why? "I dunno." "I just like so and so better, they're less mopey." And sometimes no reason given at all. I've picked up broken people and tenderly put them back together, only for them to either stab me in the back or walk away from me. Like I'm some flawed tool, used and discarded for a whole, solid one. Hell, moping here will likely turn away thousands or optimists and truly dependable possible friends! I am my own destruction, as I've always been. Opening myself up at all turns people away, but bottling it in till I just explode over something dumb can be thrice as bad. I just can't win for losing anymore. How I feel lets what few friends I have down, having to shut down to mope or distract myself from my stupid feelings, and turns away those whom I'd like to grow closer to. I have nothing but pity for what I've become, pity and hate. Weak, spineless. I once had such hope, life. Now I'm not much more than a husk, desperately lapping at the drops of chance that might sustain me just a while longer. I'm starting to think continuing to cling is only prolonging this shitshow of a life.