So, i had a talk with my dad today... we didn't have to many nice things to say. We didn't like, yell at each other or anything, we didn't fight, but he learned that i'm not changing my school habits, and maybe learned that i'm not able to finish college. not now anyways, i guess he thought i'd eventually grow up.

well, i failed him there, and being as he's invested so much money and effort into me getting a degree and he sees that all i've done is widdle away at my life and his money.... well, i can tell why he's upset.

I'm afraid he's also going to put a lot of this on himself, and my mom is probably going to shed tears for this as well. I hate it when i fail my mom and dad, and i really did. I know some would say that i didn't fail them because blah blah blah, but the fact is that i couldn't/wouldn't do what it took to push myself into getting a degree, and i couldn't/wouldn't just tell them from the get go that i never thought i'd be able to. Yeah, i've thought for a long time that i couldn't do it and that i should try something else, but every time i talked to my dad, all i'd want is for him to be happy with whatever it was i was doing. well, school made him happy, and seemingly nothing else... maybe that was a problem, my mistaking his happiness in my schooling or something.

Well, i may be going to school tomorrow with my dad to quit. i'm going to probably drop out of school and i hope i can find some other way to make my mom and dad proud... i know some would say that my mom and dad don't matter in how i run my life, but really they do. they're everything to me, i can always talk to them... there aren't many i can do that. well, there used to not be... i have friends now. friends i've never met, but friends none the less. maybe that's another problem... see, i've always thought that i had great social skills. freaking bragged about it... but i don't have many people at all that i can call friends, and it's mostly my fault. the people i'm closest to are mostly halfway across the continent...

I don't know what i will do with my life. i don't know what i want to do for the most part... i know my dreams, but i know that i can probably flush most of those down the toilet because they're not going to happen... may still try for them someday, you never know...but yeah.

All i've ever been good at was the french horn... and i'm sucking more and more on that as time goes by. i have no want to work on my playing, and i don't know why. i hate working at it... but i feel so great when i play really well, but even that feeling of greatness doesn't inspire me to work. I don't get it, i don't make any sense to myself. I hate how egotistical i seem or am, so sorry for saying, but i'm a great person. i'm nice, i don't like to argue, i have plenty of skills.... why do i suck so much?

I'm secretly hoping my dad finds this, i know he won't. i also know that most of how i feel will go unsaid to him, because.... well, i don't know why. when i talk to him i try to tell the truth, but i start leaving out important parts of how i feel and what i do, just because i think maybe he'll be happier if he didn't know. i've tried telling myself to just tell him everything, but then i am sitting in front of him, and i don't. I'm pathetic, but really i just wanted to make mom and dad happy. but for some reason, i refuse to do what i know will make them happy...

I wish i could have someone to myself. A boyfriend, Girlfriend, whatever. Someone i can hold when i need a hug and someone i can cheer up when they're down. i've had two great boyfriends and three aweful girlfriends.... both my ex boyfriends were and are amazing, but i can't have them. they aren't here... as much as i know they loved me when we had each other, it wasn't until they were right by me that i could really feel at ease. I've never really had someone who was always there, or always somewhere nearby...

Drving, Musicals, Work, School.... I'm very busy all the time. yet i never do anything. i'm horrible...

My dad wants me to look into seeing a therapist... a counselor or something, and you know what i'd love to see one and have them help me fix something, but i don't know what to tell them... I can come up with dozens of reasons why i am the way i am, i have no idea if any of them mean anything, i don't know why i do what i do, or don't do what i don't... i don't get it.

For some reason, i refuse to do something that i don't think i'm good at. i've been proven wrong that i'm not good at something, then i'm usually really good at it, but i've never been able to do that for myself, push myself into doing something... I've always been good at singing, funny voices, speaking in public, french horn.... but guess what, not much else. if i try something and i feel i'm doing it badly, i shut down. i go into a shell, and i'll say i'm trying, but i can't. i will refuse myself and not do a damn thing.

I know it's mostly and almost fully my fault i am the way i am, i know that and i'm able to cope with that... but sometimes i feel like there are other factors to, that i'm not fully responsible, though in a way i am. confusing, right? Like when my dad bought a freaking house so that i can be comfortable while living in Flagstaff to go to school. guess what? that house was expensive, and now it's ours, and my dad suffers for getting it financially, and as i think about quitting school, it's even harder knowing my dad just sank so much into this house. Now i'm failing him even more if i don't do what makes him happy.... well that's now, i told him a bit more of what's on my mind, and he's sleeping now i'm sure tossing and turning to the thought of me just wasting away. i really wish i could get up, move somewhere, start fresh without my mom and dad's influence, and try to live... but damn it, i can't, because i just fucked over their money with this house. and i bet i couldn't afford to live on my own for more than a month anyways... i'd end up on the street, and then boom, making mom and dad so proud. ><

I'm sorry for this huge rant, i needed to vent off somewhere, and i didn't know where else i could rant this. i put it all in my bryanboston account because i'm hoping not as many people see it. Oh... i even admitted to my dad that i had ONCE contemplated suicide. it was a once in a lifetime thing, i told him, but apparently we've had suicide in the family before.... so great. >< making him possibly worry more. You know, i'm really crossing my fingers that something IS wrong with me... that's sad and sickening of me to think, but damn it, it'd make this whole thing a lot easier. good ol' me, trying to place the blame on anything but me...

Sorry again for the rant. ^^ I haven't been myself lately at all, and i hope this changes that a little bit.

PS If i drop school, there will be no more boston and the Hooch... not that i'm aware of. never know, but B&H might be dead. ^^;; sorry for anyone who listens...