Hello everyone! i hope y'all are having a nice morning, evening or night
i had this written down for a quite a while and im deciding now is a good time to make a journal about it i want to get my thoughts and feelings and rambles theses past months and years some stuff in my past, this going to be a wordy but i appreciate if people take their time of they day to read this i hope everyone can at least take away from this a better mindset and being overall a better person
also note im not the best writer so apologies in advance

CW im gonna talk about self harm stuff

i guess the starting point to all this will be talking about something personal and effect my current life and how i would act both irl and online,
when i was a young age i couldn't speak, like at all i was a mute i had speech therapists to teach me and learn and to pronounce words without sounding a jumble of noise according to my parents, it was until i was 8 i could at least talk but during those years in school i was bullied and outcasted, i never had any friends looking back them kids were fucking mean lmfao but never the less, it still effects me to a extend how interact with everyone
it was until high school i had any resembles of have any "Friends" (more on that later)
i was bullied a lot in that school especially, it was one of the worse times in my life, my grades were failing, my mental health, home life being shit, and i feel shameful to this day but i attempted to end my life because of the pain i went through.. i cutted myself when my family wasnt there, im really shameful at this fact and the scars on my body is constant reminder what have committed to myself,
i still remember getting the rope from dads garage and wrapped it around the door and was gonna end it that day, just to think if i didn't stopped none of you being seeing this or having any my friends.. but i don't wanna dwell on it im sorry i don't write more about it but i wanna at least get some people insight how my younger years were like.
during the 2010s i was basically online terminally the only two friends i had were not the best people and they were only irl friends i had from school are now long and far gone, one of them went on to stalk my sister and gotten arrested for stalking someone else and and the other last time i checked did rehab and did a fuckton of drugs and honestly its best i stopped talking to them and interacting with them after all the shit happend,
but around in 2012 the catalyst and how i viewed the world changed, my grandfather was resting in the hospital bed the person i really cared about, his last words to me were "love everyone, love your family and never let your friends go" before it was time to go home for the night, in back in my mind i knew he was gonna die he looked so frail and ill, in the morning my mom was crying i knew he died, i was so deeply effected when he died i miss him dearly, since then his words linger in my mind,
and during the early to mid 2010s i had no friends i only had my family, i stuck to internet forums and youtube and any website that let you make anon posts
around 2016 i made a discord account after seeing a artist i was following on tumblr (remember that shit?) and decided to join their server and with a chance encounter i met a artist i was a massive fan of and later would be a friend and to tell the truth he was my first and true "Friend" and its embarrassing to write and talk about he really was,
but via that connection i would meet my some closest friends whom i deeply love and cherish to this day.

now i want to y'all keep in mind about something, my biggest fear's in life is being alone and being forgotten and being left out and losing those i love
during those early years with my friends i was still a somewhat a mute, i never spoke on mic and only texted when they all voice chatting, i felt left out sometimes and i wish i had the courage to talk but i was scared, terrified the fact to talk
and because of those early years the fact i never spoke i felt some friends didnt want me around sometimes but i know thats not true and i wished i was a bit better back then and im sorry for that, im personally better on that regard and talking whenever im giving the chance and im glad ive taken the steps being able to talk on mic.

ive always judged myself poorly my mental isnt the greatest and i have extreme paranoia as been told my friends and family
im scared being a bother and im trying to work on it and trying being better but it still lingers sometimes when im talking to my friends theres thoughts like "am i talking too much? do i sound annoying? am i allowed to be here? why arent they not talking to me or responding what i say?" and it goes on and on and on and on and its so mentally draining but im trying to be better and i just need help but i know deep down its just my anxiety

ive been asked a few times why do i go overboard being too kind. and my answer to that is if i don't do it who else will? like genuinely who else go out there way to do the stuff that i do?
and there's someone whom i will not name and you know who you are i really deeply care and love about but i got to admit i sometimes can be a handful to put it blunt and all i can say is im sorry im trying to be better, you just mean a lot to me, you've always been there for me and i just can't put into words, i think partly of why im like this is because a part of me is trying to make up in the past that i never spoke up much and or talked and that i remember something as of late (and im not gonna write it here)
im sorry ive pushed myself away from you and others at times in the past and basically letting one my biggest fears to manifest and letting it control me and behave, basically leaving the internet for weeks
but im trying to be better that as well, i dont wanna lose anyone

im trying to have a better worldview and trying to get out more and trying be more appreciative with all those are supporting me, all i can say i wish i was better back then but that changes now and will im determined
push yourself to do better if you feel like in the same postion im in take a long hard look in the mirror and tell yourself to do better

i just wanna say thank you to my friends that make it worth it waking up in the morning and just overall making want to get out of bed
and sorry but im tearing up a little here
thank you but thank you my friends bellow being in my live





https://bsky.app/profile/sodurburger.bsky.social

and so many other friends i didnt name here you guys are awesome
everyday im trying and i will keep on trying to be better i just need help and advice and guidance from my friends
and please remember to love your friends and cherish your friends when giving the chance and hug them if you get the chance, it can and will make a diffence be the one that changes someone's view on the world
even saying i love you to a friend starts to get repetitive keep saying and doing it, everyday matters and if it can help people move from their bed
be that person to make people change, remember the biggest critic in the world is yourself, face that critic head and prove how wrong you can be
love you all be safe and stay caring as this planet currently lacking it