Every time a relationship of mine ends, I get faced with the reality that I am not sure if I have been growing up and accepting adulthood. Or just faking it all along. I revert back to my oldest online friends, and most of my old romping grounds. I see old faces. I make amends for disappearing because I wanted to "move on past those things" or some other stupid form of me denying parts of who I am.

How do you grow up? How do you add more layers onto yourself, without smothering those that already exist?

At this point I am very transitive, I recently ended a relationship that was nearly 3 years long, my longest to date in fact, and I know to some people that is not too long at all, but to me it was. I had slowly grown complacent and thrilled at the prospect of waking up to this person in my life every day until I died...

..but I am bad at showing that sort of thing. Such is life. So it goes. We move on.

Where do we go to? Back to those that comfort us? I am lucky to have friends that will always be there for me, no matter what, who have seen me through thick and thin, and everything in-between. Who have known me at my lowest and highest.

But it also begs the question, if I love these people so much, why are they the first to go when I want to build up defenses and let someone new into my life? Why are they not the ones I hide behind, as opposed to trying to go it alone time and time again?

I am not sure yet if I am ready to move on, or not, or if I want to go back and never leave. Staying there has it's own stresses and issues, drama and people that are just far to to much to bear. But leaving them all for good seems like a move I am not sure I can actually make.

I don't know if I am asking for advice, or just venting, or just need someone to hug me close and tell me everything will be alright. The other issue with being so transitive, is that I feel like I am always in fight or flight mode, except fighting is staying here in Ohio, and flight is just that. I could go to the city that has called my name for over a decade now... or I could choose somewhere else to start new. I have to find a place where friends will be though, I need those. But.. I have those here.

Why does life become so confusing so quickly so much?