I feel like I'm losing my mind. Between the strenuous nature of my work (high heat and humidity, moving at least 400-500 lbs over the course of 6 hours by hand, and in one instance at least 3000 lbs), general stress of the world in its current state and personal concerns, and my CFS working in conjunction with depression and anxiety I'm having trouble remembering things.

I will go for stretches where I eat nothing and then have periods where I can't stop binging on things, even when I begin to feel oppressively full. I'm a bit overweight as it is but I'm trying not to eat my fat ass to death like Orson Welles per that one kid's comment in some movie I've never watched. Would that I were as accomplished as Welles, however; it feels like I've done nothing with my life. With the way the world is presently it also feels like I never will... 😞

It's a disturbing feeling that you would be better off ending your life rather than ending up being bitter, broken and alone. Even so, with climate change still spiraling out of control, Fascism on the rise, religious fanatics doing the Goddamn Goddite thing, and no opportunities to continue my education or get my toe in the door in the field of biology I just don't think I want to do another 10 years of this after my mom is gone. I fret for her constantly because it feels like she is truly the last member of my family who cares anything about me.

I'm too tired to be sociable at work (not to mention that I'm in a Red State, so there's quite a few assholes to deal with) and I don't have a 3rd space to speak of. It takes quite a bit to recuperate so I'm down for most of the day one of my days off, which after factoring in my evening shift schedule makes it problematic to do much more than try to tend errands and chores I have to deal with. Between my health, appearance, memory/awareness of anything interesting and income/living situation I have no confidence left to try and make friends or try and meet anyone for a deeper relationship. I feel trapped...

I guess that's all. Nobody reads these besides me so I guess I'll FOFN.