Life is fucking wild sometimes. You make plans to try to better yourself and then something hits you like a freight train that came off the rails and zeroed in on your house.

So when I had made my last post, things were alright. I was looking for work and was going to try to do commissions and such to try to start making a living off of that. I was in vocational rehab to try to see if I could find something that I could handle and we were making some progress and I was applying to jobs, even if I was being turned down, it was something. I was active in a few groups on VRChat role playing every week in the evenings and my chronic burnout and depression seemed to be lifting. I was looking forward to a vacation with my dad in the near future and it seemed like if things continued I'd have my own place by next year. Then March came along and my entire life got turned upside-down. My dad, who I've been living with for 7 years now while I've been trying to find a way to make a living, got diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. One night he just suddenly got really sick and we had to take him to a clinic who just kind of waved it off. We went to his primary doctor and when they did blood work they told him to go to the ER immediately. After long day we had learned of the tumor which had spread to his liver.

The story doesn't end there. He's been on chemotherapy since then and his tumor has actually shrunk, but the past several months have been hell. Between chemo side-effects and my overly-belittling grandma not wanting to leave us alone, my dad was in and out of the hospital constantly with infections and nearly died a couple of times from sepsis due to being immunocompromized. When all this started I had to put a stop to everything I was doing. I wanted to be there for him and I couldn't be out of the house all the time if I was going to be around him. Today he's doing okay. He's still on chemotherapy, we're not having constant ER visits, and my grandma isn't here constantly anymore, but some days it's still hard. I could go on all day about how awful it's been dealing with my grandma, but I don't feel like this is the time or place for it. I'm just glad my dad's still here.

This constant stress has made it very difficult for me to handle a lot of things and lately I've been having a few horrible mental spirals that made me start having suicidal thoughts. I actively go to therapy though and my friends have been extremely helpful and I don't know where I'd be without them. I've also had to completely remove myself from looking at any real-world news as the current state of things only make my spirals worse. I've deleted a lot of accounts and will soon actually delete my bluesky to remove myself from social media entirely. I don't get a whole lot out of social media anyway.

Honestly this year has just been teaching me I want to just live my life. I don't feel like I belong in this world where someone can just decide to utterly destroy you and where trying to just live makes people want you dead. If my dad wasn't here, I'd probably jump at a chance to throw everything away and live as my fursona. Sometimes I want to just start actually being a traveling bard like I envision my fursona to be and live out of an RV or something. I would go places on foot, but we don't have the infrastructure for that. I've become so tired of this world. I'm sick of generative AI. The injustice of everything has been making me wish someone in power was dead for the first time in my life. I feel helpless most of the time and stuck. I can't leave, but I don't think I want to either with my dad the way he is. I need to be there for him. I also don't want to hurt my friends.

It's been frustrating having creative energy, but not having the motivation or other energy required to work on personal projects. There's some cool stuff I'd love to work on, but I just don't have the will power. I've also gotten to a point where I don't think I could handle a normal job even if I tried. Commissions honestly also feel extremely intimidating. Once things have settled down and my dad is off chemotherapy, I don't know if I'll have the will power to try to jump back into doing things to try to make a living.

Honestly the things I see myself doing is getting an instrument and playing music on the street to support myself. Something else I see myself doing is saying "fuck trying to put up the image of being 'normal'" and wearing my collar in public and buying a big comfy sweater poncho or whatever other clothes I want. I'm so fucking tired, man.

I guess the main thing to take away from this is my life is really rough right now and I'm moving off of social media and will probably start posting here exclusively.