today has been a long day. i didnt get to work when i wanted to, and things just generally dont seem like theyre going very well for me. on the upside, im not really feeling so angry anymore, i dunno i think im getting over it a bit. had a few setbacks on my plans to stop drinking, which is hard, but at least im not smoking pot anymore. i guess im just feeling depressed more than anything else, kind of beginning to accept my situation, but still feeling the lost opportunities and not really knowing where i want to go in life. i read a motivational poster today, it was titled "passion" and it said something like "there will be lots of things you want, but only a few that will capture your heart". i feel like i need some means of self expression, but im a little afraid of being judged, and i dont really even know if i want to be a furry artist anyways. i mean i never really look through any of the pictures here, never really have, ever. lots of them are very interesting tho, and i do identify with much of the furry community. so i guess this is a time to delve into what exactly i think furry is.

as a kid i spent a lot of time watching tv, and i really hated my life. i hated going to school, hated the routine, and just wanted to get away. so i watched tv and cartoons and all that, and i thought that i really wanted to live *there*, y'kno, inside the tv where everything seemed so perfect. and its movies like the lion king that i guess really inspired that, because the characters had purpose, they seemed happy, and i remember thinking i wish i could just die and go to a place like that. what brought me to this website? well it was that dota dansen flash video. i saw it on youtube and i remembered that whole thing as a kid, went to the forums and just kinda talked with people here. heh, there are so many times when i thought to myself "what am i doing here? these people are nuts!" but whatever, they probably all had similar experiences as me so i thought "oh what the heck, i'll stay". so to me, furry is nothing more than a memory, trying to relive the past, still trying to get something you can never really have. because all you have is one life, and you cant just trade it in for something better. but then again, i feel compelled to be an artist, and i guess furry is as good a way to go as any. i mean, im never going to be a great artist, cant really see myself being a picasso or anything, so may as well just do what i can and enjoy it.

so back to the depression thing, yea im pretty depressed at the moment. ive been lashing out at my dad all day, just having an attitude with him for no reason. ive got the feeling that its me against the world, and as much as i dont want to feel this way, its very hard to deal with. i know theres opportunities out there, but im finding it hard to pursue them at the moment. if you are at all interested in me or what i think, well dont judge me just yet. im a /drug/ /addict/, hellooooooo. trying to get off the weed and booze and sober up, and its not easy! so thats a part of the depression thing. my motivation is just not there at the moment. ive been doing drugs on and off for a long time (mostly on, but i know what its like to go up and down). i know i'll come back to my senses, get my motivation back, but it takes time. there really isnt any rushing it, it just cant go as fast as i would like. i can exert myself in the meantime, and at least make something of this sobering-up time, but its gonna be slow-going the next week or two, or month, i dont know exactly, but its in that ballpark. and thats ok, because the key to getting over drug addiction is pretty simple: keeping your time occupied so you cant even think about it. i mean it can be done, i know i can do it.

so i didnt make it into work on time today, and that made me upset. all my life, theres been things i want to do, but i have this feeling that i just cant do it. i can beat that feeling of thinking i cant do it, i guess just by telling myself over and over i can. its like the old saying "fake it till you make it". and also im depressed about lots of opportunities ive missed in my life, depressed about all the bridges ive burned and depressed about feeling like i have no direction. im starting to establish direction, tho, i know that at least. i have ideas about how i can "step my game up" at the accounting firm i work at. my boss has had be doing telemarketing for a while, but he's also been talking about another area of accounting he wants to work on. so im going to talk to him about that on monday, get into it, understand the business and try to come up with new marketing strategies to find the right kind of customers. i mean this is something i know i can do. i have all the right people around me to help me out with it. my dad is a cpa, and hes real smart in business, and i know he can help me come up with good ideas. plus, i can come up with some good ideas myself, and theres also my boss. now he's been looking to /me/ for leadership, so i dont expect many ideas from him, i just want to live up to the position he gave me.

and theres further things that depress me. its going to be a LONG time before i can graduate college with the degree i want and get the kind of job ive been seeking. and im going to have also a lot of spare time (in addition to study time) that i want to fill up in one way or another. it just seems like i dont enjoy anything anymore. i dont even like the stupid video games i play (counterstrike: source mainly), and come to think of it, thats really the only hobby ive ever had. what to do with my time, thats whats bugging me. i mean i just dont know. if i had all the money in the world, i dont even know what i'd do with myself. honestly, i'd probably just spend it on drugs and get high all the time. or waste it in one way or another. i have no vision anymore. all of my dreams have been broken to pieces, never to return. its like i just got stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a place where i know no one, and i have no idea what to do next. i mean sure theres things i want to do, like getting a degree and a job, but thats about it. what to do for fun? what to do to enjoy myself? i dont know. and people dont really seem to like me, they never really have. at one point, i told myself "matt, people think you're weird, and theres nothing you can do about it. they're always going to think youre weird. why? dont know, but its a fact, and thats the way things are going to be. you just have to accept your lot in life as an outcast, or at best, an annoyance."

everything that ever meant anything to me is gone, things are completely different, and i dont know what to do about it. im sure i'll feel different tomorrow, and i do have a slight sense of hope. i mean, i dont have the sense i used to of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. but i still have the significant weight of my own personal distress upon me and i just want to find some way to relieve it. i've been told that im too angry, and honestly, i think thats pretty much true. and ive also been told that i think too highly of myself, that i think i have a right to things i really dont, and thats probably true as well. on the way home from work today, i was driving, and i thought "wow, people are assholes. and theres nothing i can do about it. i'm just going to accept it, and just not be angry. im just going to see myself as a person who gets dumped on." and surprisingly, that actually worked. i was not angry on the way home today because of that decision. sure i dont like losing the old sense of myself, but i definately do like not being so pissed. but thats a decision i cant make just once. if i want to continue with that, to continue to receive the benefit of not being angry, i guess i have to continually decide to just accept that the world is a tough place, and that im not really a significant part of it. that i kind of just have to live with people's abrasiveness. and you know what? i kind of like it better that way, its easier on me, brings me closer to reality. whatever, i'll be "just another guy", because thats true, right? im not special, never have been, "i aint no senators son" as the song goes. after writing this, i do feel a little better tho, even though im still depressed. i'd really like to open up to people more, only problem is, i dont have any friends. pretty much a loner, i guess. always have been. i spent highschool in my room on the computer, just fucking around, doing nothing. and after having said that, im starting to feel angry again... but oh well, i guess i'll just not think about it. heh, the same rule of dealing with peoples abraisiveness applies to the past as well, i dunno, maybe i did something in a past life to deserve this.. but now im just babbling.

anyways, i kind of do feel like i want to be an artist here, get a fursona, make some art, the whole nine yards. but i need a purpose to it. i need a better name, first off, something that comes from within. i need some inspiration of what to draw, which isnt likely to come from my own life, seeing as its so boring. ugh, i ought to think about this more tomorrow. its getting late, and staying up too late only makes me more depressed. but anyway, thanks for reading?

why do people write journals anyway? and how well do you think they plan them out? i couldn't tell you, this is freewriting, as far as im concerned. my brain -> paper to the best of my ability, and that is all.