Hey there everyone, been about a year since I did one of these, and I figured... I should just kind of update everyone here. This will be the most that I have typed at once in months, so forgive any errors or anything like that... My hands have been getting worse, and it just is what it is when it comes to all that. I'm sorry for being so silent too, I know I haven't had a lot of good updates to share in the last couple years, and that has left some concerned about me. Well... Heh, I don't have many good updates here either, but know that I am still trying. I am still kicking, and I am still doing my best to keep on keeping on despite the world falling down around us all.

So, first thing's first. I did spend some time living in my truck last year... I was fully, properly homeless for a while. And that trend did continue somewhat into this year, with me spending some time living in the thing a few times this year as well thanks to issues with the places I have been staying. I am finally in a somewhat stable living place, but... Heh, it comes with a whole host of caveats and has been stressful in it's own right. I am trying here, but... Heh, a manic depressive with ADHD and BiPolar and OCD not having an iota of stability and always knowing they are one mistake from losing the last place they can live? Yeah, that's been fun. Very fun. Mix in that the pain I am in all the time has been getting worse and my meds ran out about a month and a half ago, and, well... Not a recipe for success there. I am trying to do something about it, but it is going slow and it is not going well. But, I am trying anyways because... Well, the other option isn't good and I don't want to do that. I still fight with it too; I fight with ending things every day... And I don't always win those fights, and sometimes I spiral. But I am still trying. And that I think is the most important part.

I haven't written or created anything since Fitting The Frame was released last year in terms of authoring anything. I just... That spark has been beaten out of me by life over the last year. Between losing my mom and my relationship, to then losing any stability I had left, I just... I haven't felt like anything I can do or create is right or worth it to anyone, and that feeling has persisted no matter how many times others tell me it isn't true. It's a deep spiral I have been stuck in for a long while, and one that I haven't been able to pull out of yet. I do try and latch onto positivity, onto things that are good about where I am at and what I am doing, but... It hasn't worked as much as I would hope, and it has just been fruitless a lot of the time because, well, I haven't been able to get that spark back to want to do anything but just sit and watch as life beats me more and more and more. Constant pain? Let's make that worse. Friendships? Let's let those peter out and fade into nothing. Finding myself? Why try to do that when all I find is more self-loathing and hatred and anger. It's a vicious cycle that... Heh, I used to be able to write my way out of or just create something that gave me so much pride I could at least feel like I wasn't completely worthless. But even that's gone, so it's been... Hard to pick up the pieces.

I do have one thing that has been a net positive in my life; I started streaming. I have been streaming since January on Twitch, and while I know it will never make me rich or even really turn a profit honestly... It's been fun. I have been pouring a lot into it, and while I definitely have had burnout hitting me as of late thanks to summer and the heat and seasonal depression and allergies all combining to kick the shit out of me... Well, it's been fun getting to know new folks and to just create something that isn't writing or what I usually do. It's been a lot of work and stress, but it has been nice to accomplish something and grow something fresh from scratch. And it has grown. Which, hey... I guess that means I am doing something right. Like, not as much as I want to be doing or what I would like to see, but something is better than nothing, and I am trying here to make it something I do regularly and have fun with. You can find me at: http://twitch.tv/corgsdale if you wanna watch; it's 5 times a week normally starting at around 10PM CST.

So, streaming, not feeling writing, and just life getting me down... Not much else to say past all that. I have been trying to be more social, or at least better about responding to those who are social with me. My social anxiety has gotten worse as time has gone on, and reaching out and asking folks for help, or even to say hi, has become... Well, to put it lightly, basically as scary as a horror game to me. Even going out to the store is hard now; I have to keep my head down and move otherwise I just get anxiety. Like, I can speak when spoken to and stuff like that, but... Just being around others is terrifying now. And I dunno why, except I truly do and I don't want to admit it; life has gotten so toxic no matter who you are or what you believe that you can't even interact with someone without being attacked. I've been accused of being a lot of things, some that are so easily disproven it's laughable, and yet... Heh. I dunno, I guess I am so gunshy and scared nowadays from everyone being so aggressive and hostile that I just have further withdrawn into myself to hide and to stay safe from it all. I don't like being attacked; I bite back, hard, and that doesn't end well usually. So I just choose not to engage at all instead of trying to rise to it... And well, that hasn't been a good thing. So yeah.

Anyways, just wanted to say I am not dead, to say that I just am streaming and doing my best to survive, and that if you want to talk or see me... Well, reach out, because there is no way in hell I can anymore. The pain is now sitting usually at a 5 most days, whereas a year ago it was at a 4 most days... And it is only going to get worse. My right shoulder has been getting bad the last 6 months, and it is going to go down the same path as my left; just slower. So... Heh... Yeah, I can't do anything but game and pretend that I am not a drain on everything because well, we all know the stereotype; you're male, you have to work until you die. And I can't. So yeah... Heh, another blow to my non-existent self worth on that one. But yeah, either way... Just wanted to give an update and post something here. Bye.