(Originally published 10/10/2020)

I’ve had a fairly troubled childhood and mental trauma from a young age. When I was in grade school, I’d get bullied to hell and back because of my stuttering, and as such, I never really talked in school, and never actually made any friends. I was always picked last (or not at all, leading the teacher to assign me to groups, which was even more embarrassing) for group projects and even teams for recess games.


Home life wasn’t super great either. Back then, my dad’s anger problems were much worse, he actually slapped me when I was like 5, and then he’d hold me down and tickle me until I couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t listen to reason to stop this. People laugh about it and say it’s not a big deal, but it really bothered me and painted a largely negative picture of him in my mind for decades to come.


I’ve had Aspergers all my life, and I’ve done my absolute best not to let it interfere with my happiness/success or use it as a crutch (I’m actually not sure how many of my internet friends even know this about me). Generally, I feel like this has been a success, but it doesn’t help with the depression that comes with thinking “What if I was normal like other people, what if things were different?” I do believe that it’s not “bad” to have such a mental handicap, but boy, it is ever infuriating sometimes, especially when you’re treated like a 5 year old and explained how simple things work every day.


The friends I did have seemed to keep dwindling (even the few friends I made in high school quickly abandoned me once I graduated), and I was surrounded by death it seems. My childhood therapist, whom I had a fantastic relationship with, died of cancer unexpectedly when I graduated middle school. Noone told me she was even sick, she just stopped coming one day. My friend’s dad died of melanoma probably...over a decade ago now? It affected him a lot for a while, and in turn affected me. My mom’s step dad died of a blood clot probably around the same time, I was much closer to him than my actual grandfather. In August 2016, I lost a great friend on Backloggery (CherryTonic), probably my best friend I made in grade school and someone I’d known for 10-15 years, and my real grandfather, all within weeks of each other. I lost my cat, Casey, in May 2014, and I’ve never really been the same, as weird as that sounds, since she was around for over half of my life (she was 19).

I generally struggle with depression, feeling unwanted and unloved, and general body dysphoria a lot, it comes and goes, but ultimately I wager I haven’t been truly happy in decades. Video games are my escape from my shitty life, and have been for a good 30 years.


Things got a little better getting a new cat Blaze in 2018, but largely that euphoria was short lived. In early 2020, things got...much, much worse, my mental state taking a sharp nose dive, losing several good friends over pretty much nothing, way too much senseless friend drama, and being hurt by people I trusted implicitly an extreme amount.


I went on Lithium in Feb or March 2020 for BPD and Bipolar II, and while it took a few very bad few months to take effect, in early September things finally began to look up a bit, or at least the really bad days were farther apart. My sleep began to get much better regulated as well, only 24 hour nights at the most as opposed to 44 hours, and sleeping a bit over 12 hours as opposed to in the 20s. I lost about 30 pounds out of pure apathy and just feeling like extreme shit, which I am still self conscious about...which is the opposite of how a normal girl would feel, right?


Anyway, the people that I talked up last year (I can’t believe the last time I did this was only a year ago) have cruelly abandoned me, but I seem to have made some more hopefully more genuine friends...but I’m not holding my breath. My trust in people seems to be at an all time low, as if it was ever at a high.


Speaking of friends, I had hoped that I could have been able to keep in contact with all the friends I had in 1999-2000, but that was over MSN using my old email, which I abandoned along with MSN because of a real life stalker I had, who would be such things like show up on my doorstep without warning and bring other people over to my house without asking me at all. I got lucky when he forgot my cell number, and that was just the last I ever saw of him. Though my old hotmail is long dead because I stopped using MSN when he’d stalk me over that, and it deleted itself or I forgot my password or something, which I have no way of getting it back because the backup email I also lost. So because of all that, several people I did actually get along with super well...all gone.


I changed psychiatrists back in January, because my old one was a mega bitch, and my new one was working out super well, but he suddenly announced his retirement in late August...though the one he referred me to seems like a good one too, so we’ll see what happens with that...I’m a bit hopeful, yet not at all expecting miracles.