Art

I don't consider myself an artist - not yet anyways - but I do try to draw. Its just that I'm not good at it.
Not good enough that is... But one only need practice to get better, right?
So I sometimes try to draw something, quickly realizing its horrible from the first line drawn. Saying to myself "This ain't good enough", I undo the very first line, and draw it again
then again
then again
and again
then, after about 5 minutes, the first line is finally drawn, onto the second one

You see where this is going, don't you? After 2 hours of constant disappointment in myself, and a 10% of a line-art done, I quit.
Or rather I used to quit. But things have changed recently. I realized something... the fallacy of perfectionism.
If you have the same problem like I had, then when you create something from free will, with pure heart, with joy, you want it to be perfect. Maybe because you have a healthy or unhealthy amount of competitive spirit in yourself, maybe because you reject the notion to see yourself as creating something imperfect, maybe because if you invest time and effort into something, it only worths it if you create the best possible. Who knows, I don't even know why I did it.

But to get better, you have to practice - and since you need practice, whatever you do will not be perfect. To improve, you have to accept, and embrace the idea of failing, without resentment.

After I realized this, I started a drawing with a set of rules in mind - most of it is done in a single layer, no line-art, no undoing. If I think its a mistake, I ignore it and continue. Whatever happens, I flow with it, I'll make do. Someone I admire for his art once said "We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents." anyways.
And suddenly I created something that I barely could believe was made by me. And not only that, but I learned more in 2-3 hours of drawing then from weeks from earlier. I still can not properly draw, but now I clearly see the way, and the mistake I hope to never do in my life again - to believe that road to perfection is not made of failures.

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Life

There is a saying that means something totally different, but its fun how fitting it is for what I'm about to talk now:
"Life imitates art"

I was always slightly socially awkward, very introverted, so anytime I talked with anyone I did not know, I was afraid that they would find me awkward/annoying/tiresome and I would just bother them. Well, to be honest I was not 'afraid', but terrified. So much that the crushing fear from it made me even more introverted and socially awkward.
The fear of making a mistake.
in a situation like meeting someone new
that I faced very rarely as an introvert
so I had no routine in it.
Some routine would probably helped me to act more naturally, but then I'd have to meet new people to get routine, but I don't want to: what If I will not act perfectly, what they will think of me?

That was the point I realized my social life was the same as my art. I made the same mistake there. And as I recently became single after a 10 years relationship, I am in a situation where I can not afford to keep myself being introverted.

So I started to live with a set of rules in mind - just like with the art. If I am before a decision, and one outcome has the potential to expose me to a social situation that I fear, but I know the real danger is rather small, I charge headfirst at it.
It hard... indescribably hard to live this way with so much fear in heart. I'm terrified that people will find out things of me and judge me, I'm terrified that people I engage in conversation will find me annoying, I'm terrified of rejection.
Or I should say, I was terrified.

Since that, I fully embraced the possibility of failure in social life as well, and forced myself into situations where my inner self was screaming in panic, begging to run away, yet I knew that is not what will help me.
I joined the fandom actively, I started to speak with furry people, I attended furry meetings - which I dreaded the most. But for some reason, no angry mob with pitchforks attacked me, no person appeared taking a picture of me, uploading it to facebook with my favorite list from FA next to it, with the title "Would you imagine HE likes THAT??".
No, none of that happened. The world didn't suddenly arrange itself against me, and my life went on just as before. And the more times this happened, the more my mind and the terrified 'inner me' came to an ease. It boosted my confidence tenfolds, and I can see and feel that I'm not on edge anytime I meet someone new. I'm on the verge to cure myself.


PS.: Even as I write this journal entry, the old habits kick in, making me think "They'll make fun of you for this" / "Its shit, why you even bother to write this?" / "No one cares, and they WILL point this out for you, thats what you want!?", but I no longer feel the choking dread that used to build up in my chest - the crushing fear of failure. And anyway telling stories like this about myself is a part of my extroversion training, so fuck fear anyways!