Idk why I'm writing this.. I guess to vent some feelings.. I'm just feeling depressed again lately. Just feel like I'm disgusting and no one will ever be sexually interested in me again.. Still have no idea if I can properly be interested in girls or not, though I'd like to try being bi. I don't want to be gay anymore... I want a family.. But I think I've just wasted my life.. I think I'm just a waste of space...

Everyone's better off without me around, but I can't kill myself because I'm too much of a chicken and I know it will also cause more pain with my family members.... I want to just go live and be homeless, but can't really do that for the same reason whilemy parents are still alive.. I just feel like I'll bring more misery.

I can't seem to do anything right.. And I feel like I'm afraid to socialize with people long-term these days, just feeling like I'm dreading the day they just lose interest in me or I embarrass myself beyond a point I can bear.. Or I'll learn things about so-called friends that make me wary of being friends.. Or wonder if I'mr eally their friend at all... Or wonder if my own reasons for being friends are fair and true. I just don't trust myself or other people anymore after all the things that have happened in the past 10 years or so. I just feel broken and alone.. Friends who wanted to "fool around" would always change their minds, leaving me feeling like I'm just not attractive enough, as usual. I mean, I know sometimes moods change and people have their own issues or anxieties, but it's hard for me not to blame myself.. I've never felt like I was enough for anyone.. I guess that's why it was never a surprise when my ex cheated on me... And I tolerated some openness in the relationship earlier on, when I really prefer a monogamous relationship... But then sometimes I wonder if I just can't handle an open relationship because of my own insecurities.

Discovering I had undiagnosed ADHD has helped clear some things up, but... I just feel like a useless human being. I never really finished any college program.. I could never decide what I wanted to study, and I would always overthink myself into worrying about whether I was in the right program.. And thent he anxieties of worrying about social things dealing with fellow students.. Being overly sexually focused ever since my early childhood experiences that screwed me up has really made me worry too much about potential relationships where there really was probably no possibility... And getting easily distracted by attractive people, especially thanks to my issues with porn.. And comparing myself to others, always feeling inadequate..

Idk.. I hope things will get better.. I know life goes on.. And I'm not really looking for a pity parade or anything.. I just needed to vent somewhere because I just don't feel like I can express my true feelings to friends in person... And knowing that this journal will likely never be read kind of helps me feel courageous enough to write this all out.

I just wish I could stop feeling like I'm worthless... And that I'm a waste of resources.. I know there's always hope, but it just doesn't feel like there's much hope anymore.. I'm 42 and I've wasted most of my life with video games, porn, weed, and alcohol... Granted the weed and alcohol were primarily self-medication for anxiety and depression.. And looking back the online mmorpg gaming was probably my "Safe space" where I could be myself... So there's a possibility I'm on the spectrum but high functioning, just with social anxiety issues and high empathy with a good dose of obliviousness due to inexperience and the ADHD (and likely anxiety causing "deer in headlights" lapses in memory or ability to think straight).

I've tried to be a good person, but I've made awful mistakes.. i've mistreated my body.. And others sometimes. I handled things poorly with my last breakup years ago. I miss him dearly, but I know he's better off without me.. Same with a more recent friend I stopped hanging out with.. I had to tell him he's better off without me... And I just don't even have a phone anymore, or a computer, either... So it's not like I can keep in touch much. And I'm too ashamed to reach out again now. I'm just a worthless piece of crap, in my book. I feel trapped... Unemployed.. My dad never asks for help with anything so I feel useless at home... Everyone is always busy with their own stuff.. I can't kill myself or go be homeless.. I'm still waiting on a state agency to help with finding work, but the psych evaluation folks are taking forever to submit their results to the agency, so that's taking forever, too..

I can't help but feel like I'm just going to be a disappointment to whatever workplace I work at anyway... I tried working at Pizza Hut last year and ended up quitting because I thought I was doing a bad job and thought people were just being too nice to tell me the truth.. I just feel like I'm in everyone's way.

I tried going to north dakota to visit my brother last year but because it was last minute they didn't have room for me and I ended up staying at a homeless shelter, which i guess was understandable.. But it still just made me feel validated in my feelings of worthlessness... Like I just wasn't worth making room for. I could've been happy just sleeping on the floor somewhere, but I suppose they knew best if there was room at their home.

I'm just tired of people pretending I matter, I guess. It's more comfortable for people to just treat me like I'm just another entity on the planet. I'm so lonely but I just don't see why anyone would care enough about me ever to date me. At least I have my pet mice, for now.. Well, mouse. One mouse just died the other day, presumably from old age.

I really hope i can get a dog someday. I just feel so alone. I miss my friends but I'm afraid to see them or be a bother to them. I just feel like a burden and depressy-pants. I don't want to bring people down. I just want everyone else to be happy. I don't really matter anyway..