So... I am leaving
The foundation is that it doesn't matter what the truth is, it doesn't matter what anyone else does... this is all about me. IT is about my inability to do what I need to do to be good for the people that I love. To squelch my own depression. To be able to smile and be happy and support the others around me. Being worthy of those that I love is more important than having them. And until I can be around them and not hurt them... well, I've tried the other route. It doesn't work.


Now, for that apology.
I really wish that I had done things differently. I admit, I have learned a lot. I never had a relationship with a significant other while I was in middle school or high school. Due to the way my childhood was, I simply wasn't available until high school, and even then, I spent high school opening up and trying to deal with things. And... towards the end of highschool, I started to meet people that really impacted my life.. and allowed me to open up. And allowed me to love.

The relationship that I was in... It was an 8 year relationship with RL elements. Yes, even HE has admitted that. I was making preparations to move in with him in RL.. and... you know, something like that ending hurts. Something like that ending as one's first serious relationship breakup... (before, everyone else just disappeared).. that hurt a lot. And I dealt with it wrongly. I didn't respect his wishes to be left alone. I didn't give him space or time. And the things that he felt that I disagreed with, I ended up turning into self fulfilling prophecies.

There were things that I did that were so far out there, that people told him that he should get the cops involved. Despite what other people say, he has told me that he never felt the need or the desire to call the cops on me. (Such as saying that I should go out there to visit him, which even he told me on several occasions I should do. But people were afraid of what would happen if I did... as they had no clue how I would behave) And.. I am thankful for that he had faith in me not do have the police involved.
Much of what each of us did, I have learned, was because we wanted to try and help the other. And that is exactly how a relationship shouldn't be - people trying to force the other into 'getting help'.

Still, I did cause a lot of headache around some of his closest friends, and mine. I put a lot of worry on people... and I made a lot of time be consumed by negative things. There are a lot of things that I can't take back... and a lot of things that I will never be able to make up for.

I always... thought that by at least, trying to live up to things and be better for those around me, that it would be the right track. and I had always hoped for the support of those around me and even from HIM... to at least... see me happy and not hold the past against me in that matter. Because... if I was never given the chance to do better.. how can I ever show that I have learned.

I will admit, perhaps the greatest failure I have had in the past two years was failing my work life balance. Because I was sleeping so little, I couldn't think and react to what was going on the way I should have. And now that I lost my job, now that I have time to curl up in bed and cry and think, now that I have time to reflect.. I am realizing so many of the mistakes I made. A good two years too late.


Sadly... it feels that every time I make progress towards doing what I should... it happens that something from the past comes back up. Much of it stems from this previous relationship... and that hope has been all but crushed. I have lost about everyone that I have ever loved... much of it based on things other people have said about the situation. And it doesn't matter if people have ever met me or not. It doesn't matter if things are physically possible... none of it... really seems to matter.
As some of these people have put it, they will make sure that I will never, ever be able to have the love I yearn for.
And.. whilst it seems that those on their side rally, the people that I have, are well kept at staying out of drama... but that leaves me alone to facing up to things.

People only hear one side of the story because no one else will speak up, even those that know it's not true... and so by the time it reaches me, it's already done.
I am not strong enough, to keep losing those I love... and try to keep smiling and pretend that nothing is wrong. I am not a liar, and it feels that I must lie everytime I go into public, and say that nothing is wrong, or I let people down.
I am not strong enough to keep going everyday where no matter what I do, it doesn't matter, because the fact that I love ends up being used as a weapon against me...
And until I am able... to put this behind me... I will never be able to step out to be able to be good or support those that I care about.
I will never be able to be worthy of them... or worth being around them.

It's time for me to go. I can't do anything about how much people hate me or the attacks against me. I can only do what I can to work on myself, and hope that one day that I am able to look those I love in the eyes so that they know that I am sorry...