Sexuality is slightly more complicated than I thought it was when I was in high school 14-15 years ago. To make a long story short: when I was still a juvenile tanuki (age 13-18) I knew I liked boys and girls. I knew society was expecting me to be heterosexual, but in the back of my mind, I knew folks of my gender were pretty cute too. And with the prevalence of the Internet I learned about the whole LGBT spectrum (I didn’t know they started adding the Q+ until I got to college).

I was able to grow into my bisexual identity starting in college. Now that I started to have some autonomy, I was able to go out and experience the world. I went on dates with mostly other fat boys (I’ll discuss why the fat part is important later) and sometimes that got a little sexual. But because I was so naive about what I wanted, I and probably my date left feeling unfulfilled about the encounter. I dissected one of these encounters a few years ago in The Importance of Boundaries/Expectations, but that wasn’t the only encounter I had; I had multiple. And each of them ended in roughly the same fashion: things would get awkward and we’d slowly stopped communicating with each other.

Whether it was actually my fault or not, I believed from here that clearly I was the one in the wrong. I was able to quickly identify the problem, but I lacked the tools and the experience necessary to put these into platitudes I could use. These were also discussed in Boundaries/Expectations.

Let’s fast-forward to the modern day: I figured out through many, many hours of reflection and meditation that even though I was able to appreciate many sexualites and genders that I myself didn’t want to participate in common sexual activities with them. In short: penetrative sex was not for me. I really enjoy the idea of mutual masturbation and handjobs myself. I wouldn’t call that a fetish per say, it’s just how I experience my sexuality to folks who are comfortable with sharing them with me.

It wraps around to the title of this journal: What are my fetishes?

For context, I believe wholeheartedly that participating in fetishes does not inherently make it sexual, though it can turn out that way if all parties involved consent. Here’s an example: being a gainer I get my kicks from gaining weight and consuming food and, by consequence, take up space. It’s not going to be sexual if I’m in public for obvious reasons. Now if I was doing these things in a private space with a few friends and they consent to it, I might get a little sexual with it. I hope that makes sense to you, the reader.

Let’s start with the obvious fetish and one I’ve already mentioned earlier: my love of fatness. Whether you’re gaining weight or maintaining your weight, I will appreciate you. If you flaunt your belly or hips, I’ll definitely look. This extends partially to slob as well. While I don’t really enjoy burps and farts, it’s something I’ve just come to accept as part of the fat experience. Food stains and crumbs are a definite no-go. Ironically, I do enjoy sweaty fat folks.

You’re probably wondering after reading that last sentence why I specifically mentioned sweat. It’s pretty simple! I just want to watch fat folks exert themselves doing activities. Walking around or doing exercises or just moving around in general, I just love watching that movement. This applies to me as well. Yeah it might suck but I enjoy it deep down.

It ties into another fetish of mine: healthplay. I don’t just want to watch you being fat and taking up space, I want to help care for that fat body as well. A friend of mine who has similar fetishes to mine told me once that there's more to pleasure when it comes to exploring a massive body. Providing sponge baths, rubbing lotion on hard to reach spots, tending to various itches, massaging sore places, and even sharing a moment with food can deepen a bond better than sex ever would, in my honest opinion.

I guess that’s the ultimate message I want to end on: there are many ways to experience pleasure that don’t involve sex. I do have a couple more fetishes but they too ultimately lead up to the desire to take up space and watching others do so as well. And here’s hoping that will give you some insight into how I operate and what kind of stuff I like. Please leave your thoughts about this in the comments below whether you share the same thoughts as I do or just have feelings about this journal. Thanks for showing up!