Another Update (Can Life Give Me A Break?)

Alright. Gonna keep this quick so I can attempt to get a few things done today.

Yesterday, I got the call that my grandmother died. Apparently, it was sometime in the last few days to the last week or so. I don’t know the specifics of when, I just know that apparently she checked out of the hospital against medical advice, got sepsis, and had liver lesions when she died later.

Is that a clinical way of putting it? Perhaps.

I’m currently dealing with the fact that, with her passing, that means that there’s nobody left in the family tree above me. Nobody that really counts, anyway. I technically have an uncle who is an absolutely horrendous person, but that is neither here nor there, as he has never been part of my life.

All my grandparents are dead. Both my mom and my bio-dad, horrible person that he was, are dead. My stepdad, who only met me when I was thirteen, has been basically out of my life since my mom died two years ago. And I’m the oldest child in my generation, neither of my other siblings having kids.

Which means I’ve essentially gone from the bottom of the tree to the top in two years. I’m thirty-six. This shouldn’t have happened this fast.

I don’t know when or if grief for my grandmother will descend. We weren’t that close toward the end of her life, partially due to politics, partially because she got worse to be around. Partially just not with it as much (which is hard to deal with, even though one should be compassionate, and I was as best I could), but also just…nastier. Harder to love, didn’t give as much back, and just…hard.

But what I do know is that I’m grieving the loss of something else. It’s hard to name it, but it’s there.

Without anyone over me, there’s no longer that sense of someone more experienced in the family that might have an answer. There’s no security for when hard questions come in. There’s no sense of the family that might once have given love being there. There’s no previous-generation support left, because they’re all dead.

And it’s not just the loss of that comfort. It’s the reminder that my memory is now the oldest and only remaining collection of my own life that’s as ‘total’ as I can get. There’s nobody older than me that was part of my life to remember it anymore. There’s nobody else that knew me, watched me, understood me to a large extent, and had that large databank of my life in their brains. I have to remember my own life, as fully and completely as I can, because there’s not anybody else that knows me, or at least those parts of me. Anyone that knows me now knows me only as an adult, of how I’ve been online (and somewhat off) since my twenties. Everything else?

That’s up to me.

And it’s kinda lonely in that space, knowing that, well, I’m just going to lose more as the years go by. I’ve had three fucked-up things in rapid succession, after all.

2023: Mom dies and the family splits
2024: I lose another good friend, and my bio-dad dies (not sad for him being gone, but it was one more person that was between me and death)
2025: My grandmother dies, basically erasing the previous two generations

And it just feels like…can life just take a break for a bit?

I guess this was more of a ramble than an update, but that’s where I am at the moment. Just…ugh.

Back to work. More stuff for you guys later.