I don't know if the person who I'm mostly writing this for will ever see it, but here it goes...

A lot happens over the years. Things happen, people find their faults. I found mine, and they ate away at me for so long. I still constantly blame myself when things go wrong, put so much weight on myself, convince myself that I'm the reason that others are driven away from me and I deserve whatever hate and judgement I assume they have for me. And I get so desperate to make amends for whatever I did wrong to these people that it becomes an obsession and I just ostracize myself further. This is exactly what happened here, and why my account got a harassment warning from the FA Staff.

But I also know that it is much easier to remember and dwell upon the negative than it is the positive. It is never my intention to bombard my friends with all the bad shit going on in my life. I do not, nor have I ever wanted them to be my emotional crutches. Over the years I've seen how I've acted so stupid, getting jealous over fantasies, that it's very clear to me now how what I said and how I acted back then easily got mistaken for me wanting more than just friendship. But that's not true. I... I treasured that friendship so much, so much that I felt like I needed proof of it, for myself and others...

I don't expect to be forgiven. Frankly I don't expect these words to ever be seen by the person they are mostly intended for. But this isn't a pity party. I just want you to know that I am working to better myself, as hard as it is, and how painfully easy it is to slip back into my self-destructive depressed mindset when my efforts fail. Even right now my thoughts in the back of my head are telling me that it will serve me right if this gets ignored or reported... But I hate those thoughts, I hate them more than anything. I never want to have them again.

Just... please stop seeing me as the old me, and give the new me a chance to shine through.