Well, life has been a journey I must say. A lot of things happened, and a lot of things changed.

I've thrown myself into a hole, and forced people away from me. I don't know why. Maybe it was the sense of obligation to people, or maybe the commitment... No, I know what it really is and I'm just ignoring it. I hate myself and don't want to drag others down with me, and I chose to ignore my problems until they're all that's left. I feel like I've been here before, but last time I was just a kid (relatively of course, 26 isn't that old yet either). I've always had my Dad to pull me back down to Earth, and lately, well...

My Dad was formally diagnosed with ALS a few weeks before the COVID-19 lockdowns started happening. My Dad has always been this paragon of physical ability in my life. Sure, not the strongest or fastest person I knew, but if he set his mind to it he could do it. He was also very capable of handling himself in any physical situation. He was prior Army Airborne (82d) and before that a cop in the Air Force. You could be bigger than him, but he'd still take you down. Now, he can't do anything for himself. He can't walk anymore, he can barely eat, and he has a very hard time answering my phone calls if he doesn't already have his bluetooth headset on. Even then, it's a struggle for him.
Right before I left for my tour in Korea, August of 2017, he was absolutely fine. Well, as fine as a man going on 48 could have been. Never the type of person to need physical help, but my Dad was starting to have some weird issues with his leg. He would say that they'd randomly go numb or become heavy, but nothing he didn't just blame on age. Shortly after Korea, I was stationed in VA. I went up to visit home, and and that's when it really hit me for the first time. For some context, my Mom and Dad are split, and my Dad has a significant other he's been with for about a decade now we will just call M. M recently moved to Florida and my Dad stayed back in PA to wrap up some stuff with his business. While I was visting him, he asked for help taking some boxes up stairs (he was living in a split-level home at the time). Wait... my Dad... needs help? It was weird, but I mostly shrugged it off as age as well.
Fast forward only 5 months. I'm about to be deployed to Qatar, and I got some dreadful news from a friend of my uncle. Again, for some context, my Dad and his half-brother were pretty estranged, but I remained in good contact with my Uncle. I found out from his ex-Fiancée that he took his own life. The worst part is, I couldn't say I was shocked. He had been in a bad place for a long time, and my only wish is that I could have been there to do more for him. My Dad was the one that handled the funeral arrangements, and when I saw him, he looked worse for wear. Not emotionally, but physically. He was getting tired really fast, and struggled on stairs. It was starting to set in that this wasn't just age, but I was in deeper grief about my Uncle, so I didn't take notice as much as I do now.
Right before my deployment to Qatar, a month after my Uncle's 'funeral' (a topic of discussion that I'm still frustrated about, but don't really want to get into) I went back up to PA one last time to visit. M was up to help my Dad with the last little bit of moving preparations, and we all decided to go get breakfast together. I meet them at the restaurant, and my Dad get's out of M's SUV and grabs.... a cane! This was the shock that made me realize something was very very wrong. He couldn't walk into the restaurant without a cane, only a year after the leg issue we chalked up to aging. I tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy breakfast, but I just couldn't. I spent my entire deployment super worried about my Dad. At this time, my Fiancée at the time was also having a ton of issues living down with her family again in Florida, but again, different story.
I get home from deployment, and my Dad was fully moved to Florida. We don't really talk much about his health over the phone at this point, I guess he just didn't want to worry me. I set-up plans to go down and see him, but some stuff with work comes up and I had to cancel. Finally, in February of 2020, I get the phone call that made everything so very clear. My Dad called, and told me that the Jacksonville Mayo clinic was able to formally diagnose his condition as ALS. I almost dropped my phone and fell to my knees. I knew immediately what ALS meant. I asked him if they gave any timelines or anything, and he said they still had more tests to do, but he was hopeful. I set up a time to go visit in March, but the Friday before I was going to drive down, the Air Force issued a stop movement order on everyone due to COVID-19. This meant I couldn't take leave outside of the immediate local area. My heart sank even lower.
Many months later, back in November, I was able to finally go down and see my Dad. To say that the cane was a shock is laughable compaired to when I saw my Dad most recently. He could barely walk around with a walker, needed a hydrolic chair to sit down, and couldn't get his own food or beverage. Everything had to be light enough he could lift it. The entire muscle structure of my Dad was gone. Skin on bone, that's all he was. I've never seen someone so thin everywhere before. The sight was just too much to deal with, and I decided to just make the most of the time I was spending with my Dad instead of focus on all of these things. I went out of my way to make sure I helped and did it all in the right way. Cut his food into small bits. Give him plastic cutlery. Fill his water bottle only half way so he could lift it still. Etc, etc, etc. None of it felt real. It was like some messed up dream.
And here we are now. My Dad let me know recently he is now permanently wheel-chaired. One of the trial medications we had high hopes for produced no significant results versus the placebo group (as in the drug tested to be a complete flop). I don't know what to do. All I've ever done my entire life is to just keep on keeping on. Move forward. Just move forward, but now, I no longer know where that forward is.

My Fiancée and I of 4.5 years have also split up recently. I met her when her child was only 7 months old, and I grew attached to him too, so it hurts twice as bad. I just feel like I've sabotaged myself again. I pushed everyone away. I pushed my friends away too. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I feel like my entire being is just 'fake'. All of this while my Dad is dying. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't know what to feel. I'm sad, I'm angry, and I'm just blah. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be around anyone. I just want to cry my eyes and throw things, but what will that solve.

I don't make this journal as a cry for help, or as a rouse for pity. I just needed to type this out and maybe some people will read it. That in itself just makes me feel a little better.