Today just happens to be one of the bad ones... with depression it's usually touch and go. But today my mind stumbled across a person

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that lead to several members of my former pack. Weather I secluded myself or was kicked out into the cold no longer matters. For over 3 years now all I could do is look through the windows of happiness separate from me. Today is one of the days I'd rather sleep than be alive. No drama just fact. The furs/people you've spend years mmo-ing and secondlife-ing with and all you have left is memories. It no longer matters how much you've grown into an adult--some bridges are burnt. It matters that The fox I considered a father figure was sick when I left. It matters that he could be dead.. It matters that I'll likely never know. I won't know how all their stories end. And on days like this I try so hard not to think up how all their lives should have gone/are going. No amount of pills, sleep, rum/whisky or food will fix any of this. Nor will it fill the hole that the hollow point left. It's all I can do to get up on these days. I cry and tremble and force myself to sleep and really function. I'm going to continue to go through this. I'm determined not to kill myself----but that doesn't stop the thoughts. I think of it as the least I can do for the wonderful fox I looked up to so very long time ago. I'll fill this void with something I'm sure I just don't know what that is yet.



Yes a whiny crying blog.........it all had to come out. sorry feels. But when you used to belong... and suddenly you don't. you'll know what I mean.


Time to put myself out for the next 10+ hours....yeah maybe then it'll be numb enough to ....