I'm figuring some stuff out as I work through my mental illness and neurodivergence. I've had a lot of thoughts about Fei and how her genitals work. I've always had intense genital dysphoria that's hard to understand, so I 100% didn't want her to ever have a penis. Me neither. For a short time though, I was considering getting a bottom surgery that doesn't build a vagina, or to just get an orchiectomy. I was considering drawing up a new reference for Fei that showed she can't take anything up her pussy and indulges in anal infrequently. After working through a lot of memories of trauma and pain, though, I realized I've wanted a vagina so bad, it's hurting me to think otherwise.

Thing is, I'm nonbinary. I always wanted to be a girl, but I liked a lot of boy things like video games, and I wanted to be a magical warrior with a sword. This confused me because I didn't know what nonbinary was until much, much later in life. I wanted to get a sex change, but I thought you had to uproot your life and start over as female to do that. I didn't think anyone would let me have the surgery I wanted unless I went against myself.

Now, I'm more mature, I know a lot more, and I'm a complete pacifist. When I learned what nonbinary was... my experience had taught me it was a delusion. It wasn't until I transitioned fully and gave high femme appearance a good shakedown that I realized it wasn't always for me. I'm genderfluid and nonbinary, often times occupying a space between male and female, or maybe even separate from them. Dresses make me feel pretty and valid, but I'm just as often more comfortable in leggings and a tank top with no bra.

So I'm thinking that for Fei, I want her to be transgender and nonbinary like me. She's my fursona after all. She wouldn't have sought out hormone treatment until early adulthood, but she would have gotten surgery fairly early. She and I have all the same likes & dislikes but she's more confident as an idealized version of myself.

Basically I don't need to change much, but I'm getting over my art block so I wanna draw a new reference soon. I want to show off her height and features of being transfemme. I might even draw/comm some art from when she still had a penis...

Thinking about those shi/hir pronouns too.