Just an update on how stuff is and will be developing.
When I started posting online, I did it while I had big self-esteem issues. At that time and before, drawing was the only thing I was better at than others, and I thought, "I really want to achieve some level of popularity, of being recognized as a really good artist, to be better than anyone else and have proof of it and a mark of my journey, and one day maybe, if I'm lucky, work as a full-time freelance artist." That mindset drove me forward very easily, but when I turned 18 and saw that I was still so incredibly bad compared to the people I looked up to when they were my age, I had a big, big burnout. Thankfully my friends carried me through it. But since then I haven't had ambition since I have "failed". My dreams of going freelance and being a great artist seemed impossible.
Since then, I have tried to not compare myself to others, and I lived in sort of stagnation. I posted just for the sake of posting and seeing the numbers grow and mayyyybe improve but nothing more than that. After some time, I started to hate that, so I thought, maybe it's the company I surrounded myself with, as I've always had only drawing and not many friends, and it was sort of escapism for me. Now that I had more stuff outside of drawing, I thought that it was what made me not have any drive to be best in drawing. ive left most servers i was in, hoping i would get my childish dreams back. i did not, so after a month or 3 i continued as before.

During all this, I wasn't drawing much, as for the past year I have been doing two big graduation projects. And I had to learn for graduation itself. That inability to draw and stress made me think about stuff. I have wasted a lot of time playing games in the past, started drawing late, was drawing wrong, and switched mediums too late, and now graduation stole about half a year of my life.
And so, after 16th on which are my uni exams, id like to isolate myself from internet (i waste too much time on youtube and stuff, and other stuff) and improve upon myself in holidays in drawing and concentration.
Even though I have more social life now, interacting with people I don't know still scares me. im afraid of offending anyone and people hating me for it, so i really want to go and do some social stuff with people outside of my circle of people im comfortable with, so if there are some events in drawing feral porn or stuff, I will probably try to find and join some to do something new.

im someone who gets extremely jealous when it comes to art. When I look at someone I really, really look up to, people who inspired me, who I strive to be like, it reaaaaly makes me want to do something.
I have recently looked through trigaroo's profile trying to find out how they got so good at shading; I read through journals, and it made me realize something. Im repeating same thing everyday, not trying anything new, i draw, i post. I want to try new stuff and interact with people more, try new challenges, and not just draw and post but have some impact, and I don't think I can do that when my mindset to posting and drawing feels like an everyday chore rather than a challenge and I am scared of talking with people.

And so, due to this, after I get better during holidays, I want to try new stuff, new challenges, and try new things in art and have an impact, do something, be part of something, the thing ive been scared to do due to my social anxiety.
Along with that, I'm making 2 OCs, :3 so instead of just drawing soulless porn with personalityless chars i want to draw soulful porn. So other than for art trades and challenges, I will probably be drawing my characters. Not the 90% vaporeons in my gallery. I will probably try to do more illustrations, like highly rendered drawings. and some dedicated practices. Also, stuff I will be drawing will probably be weird or kinky if it's an attempt at illustration. I tried to do it some time ago, but it just requires thinking. The normal NSFW for me is just mindless drawing, so I do it more even though I said I would spice it up ages ago.





Maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough and I get very lucky, maybe I'll be able to go freelance, maybe it just doesn't have to be a dream.