Hi everyone,
The last time I wrote about my current state was in April. Since then, this year has become the hardest one in my life.

In June, I lost my mother. It wasn’t sudden. It was long and painful — suffering that even morphine couldn’t fully ease, hour after hour. I still see it vividly, and those images haven’t left me.

In August, I brought a cat home. I was hoping to bring a little warmth and comfort — for myself, and for my grandmother, who had just lost her daughter. The cat is lovely, but she turned out to have health issues. We’re working on it, though we haven’t resolved everything yet.

On top of that, all responsibility for the household, finances, and planning fell on my shoulders.

My anxiety disorder and depression worsened under all of this, despite being on antidepressants. My psychiatrist told me something that stuck with me: in my situation, feeling bad is actually a healthy reaction to a very harsh reality. That I have no support to lean on. That I am the support for others — but no one is really holding me.

Over time, I lost interest in almost everything. Hobbies, books, movies, games — all of it feels empty. I focused on one thing only: functioning, and not falling apart completely.

And today, I buried my grandmother. Three days ago, in the morning, I found her cold body on the floor of her bedroom. She was very old and most likely passed away instantly. But nothing the day before suggested that her death would come so suddenly, and it came as a complete shock to me. That image, too, still stays with me. I keep feeling as if I didn’t do enough — that I missed something, didn’t manage something in time, wasn’t good enough.

Now I am left at home alone with my father, who struggles with alcoholism. His condition isn’t improving. He takes pride in his addiction, doesn’t see it as a problem, and is sober maybe once or twice a week at most. The rest of the time, I’m not really talking to a person — but to alcohol.

This is hard.

I am grieving. I feel pain and loss. I didn’t just lose the part of my original family that cared about me — I also lost my sense of identity. I kept going because I was needed, because others depended on me. Now, I don’t really know who I am anymore, or why I exist.

I don’t know how long this state of shock, numbness, and near-total lack of interest in life will last. I hope I will recover and be able to return to full work someday. For now, this is where I exist: https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/pavusdrawus/.

Together with my girlfriend — the only person who is both close and able to truly hear me right now — I work on adopts. I also create new bases. It’s slow, meticulous work, but sometimes it helps me stay grounded and distracted from reality.

I hope next year will be better.
Even though, right now, I don’t really have the strength to hope.