I'm gonna just say now that everythin' said here, will have zero context to anythin' or anyone and more so a moment to let myself go for a moment.

Anyone who reads this, know that yes, this will be a form of vent - but it's best I say this to more so give myself a time to let my memories go.

Months ago, I will say was probably one of the biggest turnin' points in my life in more ways than I can count. Far more than even the time I left home to get away from my folks.

In truth, the entire past year has been one massive shift - my job loss, the world as a whole with everythin' happenin', my constant hunt for work. The many days and nights I kept my mouth shut, wired closed myself and put on a face that was smilin', despite my own state on the inside. I will never divulge what happened back in June, but it was a culmination of my own depressions, anxiety and lies comin' to a head. Many emotions were clashed, and I took a metaphorical beatin' from those I held close but deservedly so for lettin' my own shadows take hold, not even clearly makin' my own mental state known. And I will, and still stand by, that I do not share what happened as it was my own machinations that lead me to that point - except for one. But I will not say who, but out of this shift, I cut off a part of my life that should've been taken away long long ago. I cared for those there, and even in these days ahead - I stand by that no one can take away what I say, when I did truly care for those around me, all I failed was that I didn't fight back my own demons, and neglected the part of me that I buried deep away.

However, in that shift - I also found a people in my life that have helped me discover myself, ways to better myself. Truthfully, how to open my heart in full and to not be fearful. To speak without worry and pushin' my anxiety back to the brinks where it belongs. People who truly have changed my life. I've found love in another man that has helped me to realize my goals I want to achieve to be with them one day. Friends who sit with me to listen - to hear, and understand. I no longer sit in the pits of my own self manifested hell that I was in the past year, nor hide my face to garb my sorrows. How to raise my voice, and take conflict in stride, over turnin' tail to run. I am happy. I have found my self in full - I may still be jobless, but I have a reason to live, to exist, and no one else can take that away from me. Even returned back to pursuin' to make music. I let my jagged edges show in the light in full - I recognize my flaws, but know I can handle em healthily now.

And to anywho, if somehow, ever see this - to all but one, I still wish a good future to them despite what their thoughts are of me. And as for the last, I only say this. In their decision to make "the toughest choice of their life" - everyone else threw a hit, a deservin' one at me, to show me where my flaws lied, all except for one who chose to quietly close that chapter and move on as well without a word, I chose to move on too, but still never will understand their choice even in the end, not even havin' been part of the shift that occurred. I shared so much with them, as friends, shared a bed a number of times, each met our families, yet in the end - That will always be a mystery to close a chapter without even a reason or throwin' any words at me.

I will still never speak in full of what happened, out of respect for myself and others, but I choose to move on. This is just to bury memories to rest and know that I am well, I have a future ahead of me no matter what comes ahead.

Admittedly, I am debatin' about if I will keep my FA functional - as now I feel I tend to spend my times elsewhere on Bsky or rather keepin' more intimate contact with those on socials. I will probably not be doin' much journals after this one unless any other immediate things occur or ever really have anythin' in full to show here, be it music or artwork.