welp, i can officially say i think i'm pretty much done with life,
yet again what a suprise, but yeah really, brain's been loud, world's been louder, and i genuinely want to just
get off the internet as a whole, just
throw everything away, buy a Gray CRT Cable TV and watch Nickelodeon again like i used to do when i was younger,
it feels like there's a Million Things being asked of me at the same time, and it's only driving me nuts,
i need to work, i need to stay away from my ex, i'm expected to do my dishes, do my laundry, clean my room, get groceries, go to bed,
breathe, eat, EXIST.
it's all too much,
it's all too fucking much and i can't take it anymore,
i've already been trough enough, dad left, had like 7 stepdads, was constantly on the move so making friends was hard,
almost lost part of my finger once, had to get some operations done multiple times,
Childhood Cat had to go when i lived in a flat with my mom,
other cat i've never seen again because the son of a bitch who is my 5th stepdad, decided he's more important than my cat Simba,
first it was like, i could come over to see Simba one last time, i mean fair, it wasn't like my mom could care for the cat anyway she was living in a setting like me at the time,
(still is btw she got a bigger one now, am happy for her)
but yeah then later the dude decided to just fucking bail on that idea, and instead offer to come over, with a picture of the cat, i mean i obviously refused that offer because dude what the fuck, i wanted to see my cat one last time, like i genuinely cared more about the cat than that guy, dude even demanded my mom pay for his train ticket, mom was pretty sure he'd just spend that money on beer, and to be fair that wouldn't be that strange if he did, so i could believe her.

then eventually i got to the first setting,
i had fun there, was a temporary one, they had a Wii i always played Wii Fit, Rabbids Go Home, and Super Mario Galaxy on,
last day i was there we went to a Amusement Park, was nice,
Then came the one i stayed for eventually like 4 Years or more,
and during that time i met my ex,
stuff went fine at first, eventually we were in a relationship, somehow, to be honest i don't even remember how it happened or how we decided on it,
all i knew was i loved him and he loved me back, i mean i wasn't sure if it was really a relationship because it was never actually mentioned by any of em clearly, or well not that i can remember,
until one day, i was playing Hello Neighbour Streaming in a VC,
dude joins, says completely out of the blue in a PUBLIC FUCKING VC, THERE WERE LIKE 4 OTHER PEOPLE IN THERE, "Maya, i don't like you", i freeze obviously, close Hello Neighbour, leave the vc to process what he just said to me, overheard him saying "it's harsh but it's true" before i left,
big timeskip because i don't remember what happened in the middle, i probaly cried alot i dunno,
well i remember joining the VC again, this time it was just him, and a other friend im still close with to this day,
after a couple of seconds, i completely lose it, blaming myself, trying to explain myself, and such, pretty much thinking "i'm the problem here, he doesn't like me because of how i am" no confirmation on that fact btw,
while i'm doing this i hear him say, "i only said i didn't like her", or "all i said was i didn't like her",
cue to like a minute later i unmute, manage to keep my composure for like a second before just breaking down again,
was just bawling my eyes out in that VC, for a good reason,
eventually i stop crying for a bit, and the other guy that was in VC goes "you done?" in the most monotone voice i've ever heard,
same way My ex said "Maya, i don't like you", or well thats how it felt to me, completely devoid of any emotion what so ever,
what happens after, i'm fine for a bit, until, i start kinda obsessing over the guy who left a huge gash in my heart,
because yeah it hurt really fuckin bad,
did a stupid thing, HE got mad, well fair, but when i was called out AND PULLED INTO A FUCKING PUBLIC CHANNEL INSTEAD OF GETTING ME IN A MORE PRIVATE ENVIROMENT AGAINST MY WILL,
I MENTIONED I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IT IN DM'S BECAUSE I KNOW I TALK BETTER IN DM'S RATHER THAN BEING WATCHED BY A MILLION EYES,
but noOoOoOo "Maya will speak publicly" they say,
of course i'm overwhelmed as fuck, fight or flight tells me "lie about it, so they won't be mad" wich is a lie in itself, my brain just trying to protect me from "Danger",
but yeah of course that just devolves into me ranting, and crashing out about the same thing from before,
wich ends badly,
and i've officially been traumatized,
after this, after a reunion, wich for the record i didn't know was arranged by two other friends, instead of what I thought was my own doing,
i thought i did good, so i got rewarded, turns out that was just a lie i told myself,
then more leaving and such,
insults, emotional abuse, etc.
and now i'm here,
left with two of em, am really glad they really care about me tho, couldn't ask for better friends,
i mean trust might be a bit wobbly now, because of the past, but i might either be fine,
OR yet again like i mentioned in the beginning of this Journal,
i might fuckin skeddadle completely,
i dunno