Hi!

On the 31st of October I had a mountain bike crash which fractured my glenoid (shoulder socket) and damaged my AC ligament in my shoulder, on my dominant side.
It requires immobilization for 6 weeks, then a followup to make sure the bone has healed nicely. As well as physiotherapy to restore strength and stabilize the joint.
My shoulder has a visible deformity where the AC ligament was stretched - a poky-outy lump at the end of my collarbone and my arm kind of drooping compared to the other side 😅

I can use my arm a little - I can use a playstation controller, use my phone, doodle lightly on my iPad with my arm fully supported. But even the pressure exerted cutting soft fruit, carrying an object or tying my laces is too much. Car rides and buses are really uncomfortable too.

I am walking a lot to keep myself happy, and have had lots of help from friends.

I really want to ride my bikes again!! The crash was my own fault; I was riding an advanced mountain bike trail on my gravel bike in suboptimal conditions. It is a trail I ride often on that bike, so I wasn't giving it the respect it deserved. My wheel washed out going too fast around a dusty berm at the end of a rooty section, and I slammed into the ground head-and-chest first, then bounced onto my shoulder and slid. I was winded hard and went into shock; my heart rate went from 110bpm to 40bpm.
A man found me on the trail and helped me out, and stayed with me as the shock faded and it became clear I didn't have a concussion.
Unfortunately it means the helmet that Priscillasnek bought me is toast and I will need to replace it. But also, it protected me!

From there I was able to walk my bike to my local bike shop (only a ten minute walk from the crash), still not realizing the seriousness of my injury. I asked them to take care of the bike so I could take the bus home and come back for it later, and they insisted I go to A&E. I resisted but a customer offered to drive me there.
The rim of my front wheel was destroyed in the crash, but a friend happened to have exactly the front wheel I need, yay :)
I just need to replace the spoke nipples when I have the hand strength back and tension it.
The guys at the bike shop gave me the replacement spoke nipples for free, and offered to let me use their tools to fix it myself (my workplace does not have the tools needed). I feel very loved by them. By everyone really.

While Cynra was in Wellington for a day, they cut up fruit for me, this dog lives off fresh fruit and having tubs of fruit slices cut up for me by my friends makes all the difference in the world! And my flatmates are helping too, cooking dinner for me, washing my dishes, helping with laundry. On Monday a friend hired a car and drove me to my favourite river, just so I could spend time there with my feet in the water and ponder.
Tuesday, another friend invited me over to sit in his back lawn and just hang out while he worked on his bike.

I feel blessed and also humbled by the injury, I was riding like an idiot. I am no stranger to crashing but I usually just bounce away with nothing more serious than a scraped knee or elbow. So I had gotten complacent, and was riding technical, difficult trails on the wrong bike on purpose, just for the thrill. For the sense of accomplishment, to derive a sense of self-esteem. Because I feel so inadequate and unworthy, like maybe if I ride impressively, I will oneday feel like I'm "worthy."
Well look what that got me - a permanently weakened shoulder and at least six weeks with barely any use of my dominant arm.
And it turns out the things people enjoy about me have nothing to do with my abilities on the bike anyway. Duh 🥱

I miss mountain biking and I miss riding to get places. I have ridden over 10,000km this year - riding my bikes is everything to me. We had such lovely weather recently, it would have been perfect for bikepacking, I could have ridden up to see my family. I could have spent time in the forest and done beautiful paintings. I could have worked on commissions and saved money.
I will follow the program set out for me by my physiotherapist and get back on the bike when she approves it, but with clearer intentions: it is not for ego, it is not for being "worthy," it is for having fun, enjoying nature, progressing safely, spending time with my friends, moving my body, clearing my head.

I am grateful I was able to learn my lesson with this injury and not with something worse. The fracture appears uncomplicated and the ligament, although damaged, is still intact. It was not fully torn. Somehow I didn't break any ribs and I didn't get a concussion. So hopefully I will make a full recovery and ride wiser for it.

Anyway, thank you for reading :)
I will return to streaming and stuff once I am able to more comfortably and safely draw for extended periods of time.
Love you heaps <3

Jess