so after all that's happened last month i'm just still reeling from it all and it's been hard.
i won't say what happened. that's a private matter but i will say this. it's got me in a state where i just don't know what to do with my life right now. i'm pretty much in auto pilot right now. like i'm just so wary of who i talk to now. like i will not be accused of things that are beyond my control. i will not put up with people projecting their problems on to me anymore. i am not going to put up with narcissism or contrarianism anymore. i'm sick of when things are fine and then like a day or so later out of the blue someone pulls a 180 and everything is wrong and it's my fault even though i didn't do anything at all. etc etc etc.
at this point i'm putting my hands up. i've dealt with too many people that pull this stuff. online and irl.

and then on the art side of things i just don't feel like my work has any more worth to it. it just doesn't. i don't feel like i'm any part of the community anymore and probably never will be. no matter how hard i try or what i do. it will just be a fruitless endeavor. every once in a blue moon i'll make a one hit wonder and then it'll be back into the black depths of obscurity. i'm not good enough. never will be. and it will take a lot to convince me otherwise. been doing this stuff for over a decade now (12 years) and i just... like, imagine working on a pic. putting your blood sweat and tears into it. that pride you feel from a job well done. but once you hit that upload button it all gets sucked out cuz that's when reality hits. that's how i've been feeling for a rather long time now.

i can go on and on about my problems. but i don't feel like talking anymore.
i'm trying to decide on if i should keep going but just stay silent. or just get a job and leave.
i don't know.
i'm so pent up with emotion right now that it makes it hard to focus on anything. i want to just lash out and scream. but i know that would not be the best thing to do. so. i just want to get shit done and be left alone y'know.
am i ok? no far from it.
will i be ok? it'll be a long while.