I can not describe the amount of physical and mental stress this last week has pressed onto my shoulders. There was a glimmering moment that made everything pause for a moment, however.

I was working on a machine that was like 30 years old. It is falling apart completely. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it at all no matter what I tried. There was only one technician that was available to work on the entire establishment: the lead that hired me in. He was rushing around like a bull crashing through a store trying to fix everything else. Our manager, and HIS manager was out on the floor trying to keep everything together. The big cheese (seriously this guy looks exactly how a casino head boss would look like in a movie) brought me to the side and we had a long talk.

He could tell that everyone was struggling but did not seem to have a lick of fear. He said, "Everything is pretty fucked right now, isn't it?"

I paused and nodded.

"Your lead is running around like his head is off his shoulders trying to do everything at once," he continued. "Do you think that is helping? It isn't. He is stressing everyone out, including himself. Think of a paramedic. They don't rush in to every situation being a hero. They are calm, collective, and strategic. Know why? Because if they fall over and injure themselves, there are now two bodies that need to be dealt with."

Somehow, I felt a lot less worried, and... started thinking about a lot more than just work.

I've started looking at it from a bird's eye view. I've tried to be a hero for a long time. I've worked jobs where I was leading an entire department by myself while doing several positions. Suddenly, I saw myself in that lead tech, trying to fix everything at once. This mindset of trying to do everything to please people applies to every aspect of my life.

Dunno. That conversation brought out a glimmer of light in my heart that had faded. I took things a lot slower and felt much more comfortable despite the rush of work. This boss even showed me a few things about the machines that even the lead tech didn't know. He didn't even figure the issue out himself and laughed about it. He could see that I cared and that was all he needed.

I wanted to write this for anyone that has anxiety and a sense of wanting to be your best like I do. I want to take things a lot slower and really enjoy myself and others. I suppose this is me recognizing that having a brutal job that pays well like this does not equate to happiness. I've thought about writing and all my friends I've made here quite a lot. I miss it. I really do. I may try to keep searching for work that won't grind me to the bone. I like building and creating cool stuff here. We'll see how it goes.