Some reflections:

Today i had a quite productive therapy session, for why i am writing this, it is more to not have it bottled up anymore.

I have a lot of trouble being social in groups, like a ton, and i know why i have them, my problem is that time after time i do try to be more social and i just go back, i don't seem to be able to go out and stay there.

As for why i do have troubles with that, i will be as short as possible, school bullying, a quite lonely childhood, somethings with family, and quite probably aspergers, idk never tested, but as many people say i have it, including people who know about it. (should i get tested yes, but doing one thing at the time).

Trying to just say anything in public, it takes me a lot of effort, just like 30m of just writing and rewriting what to put, what to say, and just spiraling what ifs what ifs, and more than half of the time i end up saying nothing. Between that, i also have an extreme problem with feeling ignored, tough is not being ignored, its feeling ignored. I CAN know that i am not being ignored, but i CANT stop feeling it. Which just makes me go back to not saying anything as my dumbass brain just go to yell at myself “you are annoying, they dont want you here” and so on and on and on. I can know something logically, but sentimentality, thats where it just goes down, all the anxiety, all the fear and the what ifs.

I love when someone just messages, just a simple hi means the world to me, just feeling that i am not annoying them, that they do want to interact with me, is just such a great moment, to be happy. and i do feel like i owe something to the people that talk to me, as i do keep feeling that i am annoying them at times, which yeah, isnt good, but this last part is getting better this last years.

i just want to put it on public, just sorry for making things awkward if i did, for being silent, i am trying, and yeah i will probably will keep failing at times