This is by no means my cry for attention... I'm a fairly innactive and not super popular artist especially on FA, but still I feel like I need to put down my thoughts into clear words.

For some reason the more I draw, the more I hate drawing. I know I can't be the only one out there like this but let me elaborate some more anyway.

Drawing makes me feel sick to my stomach. It makes me want to throw up, it gives me real headaches and my blood boils so hot from the frustration I feel like I'm going to faint at times.

"So Kaiel, if drawing makes you so upset why not stop, and pursue a different hobby?"
"Wow... That's a really great question voice of logic and reason!"

Whenever I have that talk with myself, I always come to the conclusion that I just shouldn't draw. It should be easy right? Staying away from something that hurts you so much? Never having to feel embarrassed or apprehensive when people look at your work. Never sweating over a singular curve being too rigid or too curvy. So why do I keep coming back?

It's absolutely not an addiction, but it is a certain love. Every time after I quit drawing its the same pattern. I'm sitting there, enjoying life, no worries, things are looking great. Then something reminds me of drawing and the feeling of moving my hands and creating soemthign in my image (though it never turns out the way my head pictures). It could be a piece of concept art, a background that was nicely shaded, or just seeing my tablet laying my desk (so I can use it for osu!).

Somehow, no matter how much I tell myself, "Youre only going to hurt yourself again!! Don't do it!!" My other mind always makes some sort of counter argument that seems to always win!!

"Youve studied a lot of techniques!! You haven't practiced them yet but you can!! Think of all the unseen hours and crying that the artists you IDOLIZE went through to get to where they are!! If you start now and just don't stop YOU CAN COME CLOAER TO THOSE ARTISTS!!"

Alright, I'm convinced. That was one he'll of a motivational speech. So I sit down, and I start drawing, and everything I know goes right out the door. The new sturdy methods, forgotten. The new pose I said I would practice until I master, I don't even attempt it. "But no one is watching, this is a safe place where no one can berate you!"
"Youre right demonic little voice in my head!" -draws the pose-

The second I put pencil to paper I remember. NO ONE, can be as mean and cruel to you, as yourself when judging your work.

I put my pencil down, and I start crying. All of the anger, frustration, pain, sadness, guilt (from not working harder) rushes back into me and pierces me in a single moment.

I keep crying and can't pick my pencil back up. It hurts to try, to think about doing that to myself, again!?!? Am I some kind of masochist? I'm pretty sure I'm not because all forms of pain just about scare the living crap out of me!!

The worst part is every time I try the pain gets stronger. Upon remembering the X amount of times I've failed myself before, I've just added another failure to the list.

I can't remember how many times I've done this to myself. I don't know how many more times I will do this to myself, but I'm tired of wiping tears away from my eyes. I thought I loved doing this, loved learning about art and putting my mind on paper. Where was the confidence and fun that I had when I started?! Why couldn't this depressed stage happen to me when I was at least decent?! I couldn't keep living art JUST A LITTLE LONGER?!?!

After all of this there is no doubt in my mind that this pattern is going to continue, and it will hurt.

It will continue to hurt and my eyes will stay wet, until I find a new reason to love this weird thing called drawing.