What I'm about to write will not be easy for me.

For years now, I've been scared to death of saying I needed too much help.
I've always been downplaying everything, I've always been settling for the bare minimum.
That's because I keep believing in this fantasy that I'm "strong enough."
"I need very little, because I'll be strong enough to survive on my own after this."

And it's turned into this vicious cycle where it turns out... I'm not, I'm really not.
And by continuing to do that, I push away and break everyone's trust in the process.

I'm now on my knees, begging for forgiveness.

I've blamed myself, I've blamed the world around me.
I’ve fucked myself up and gotten into more and more debt as the years went by.
All because I was deathly scared of being seen as weak and dependent.

I've been through a lot of therapy, I've started taking antidepressants.
I've been reading about a lot of psychology, trying to find a way to stop this cycle.

I'm what they call an "Avoidant."
Someone who is so deathly scared of admitting they’re the problem.
Scared of admitting they fucked up, and work on themselves as a person.
So much that they would rather destroy their whole lives than do just that.

I want to break free, but I need help, for real and final this time.

I will not downplay my situation anymore.
I will not go "I need very little, because I'm strong enough."
Because the truth is, I'm not. I've never been.

I'm weak. I've always been weak.
I've never had the courage to admit how fucked up my situation truly was.
Never had the courage to come forward and honestly, sincerely asking for a hand.

You do not need to forgive me, you've always done the best to support me.
And all I've done, month after month, was break your trust.

I'm sorry, everyone. Truly, I'm sorry.

I’ll work on myself to be better as a person, I promise.

Please, just one last time... Help me.
And after this, no more begging.

I'll take accountability for my self-destructive behavior.
I'll endure no matter how many more sessions of therapy I need.
I'll be more sincere and honest about my needs.
I promise you all, I'll do better than this.

I have 2 weeks left to pay my debt.
I thank you, everyone who stuck with me, despite all the pain and mistrust I've caused you.
I know it's not anyone's job to fix me, I'm the one who put myself in this place, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Thank you, and sorry for everything.

https://ko-fi.com/kenjikuroneki