It's been a while, huh?
Popping in once every couple of months to unleash an art dump before disappearing for good.
First of all, I'm not dead (proof from the recent art dump) but I've been struggling heavily with my life.

The reason being is I'm in a terrible position: my mentality, jobs, environment, etc etc etc... And I am getting to my limit of keeping up with what I love and my will to keep going.

No, I'm not going to commit suicide. I'm in a state of loss.

If you've been keeping track of my work, at least half of them are comms. I've been opening comms for a couple of years and while it does temporarily financially support me, I don't feel motivated or excited to do them. Hell, creating... 'anything' isn't making me determined to do them. I started to lose interest in art a few years ago and I thought commissions are the only way of pushing me to draw but it didn't really work. All it does is make it feel like a chore. Of course, some clients get refunds due to my loss of interest, not having enough time, and clearing out additional stress but at this point, I might as well refund and restart anew.

I don't think it's wise to restart my account. I don't want to lose all that reputation and progress that I built up myself. As of now, it is part of my achievement and my connection to being part of the furry community. Perhaps it is because of this website that made me dig into this community and found out there is an irl furry community near me. I talked about how I want to be an artist at the dealer's den at conventions, hand out badges or physical copies of comms, and such to my clients in person but I can't. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, and harsh of my own work. I just can't show them what I have because what's the point?

If I can't progress as an artist, why should I be an artist?

It's something I want to proceed along with being a game designer and looking back at my journals and text self-reflections, I'm a fucking liar. I have plans and projects that have never been executed and the only thing I posted are small sketches and comms. That's it.

I'm gonna have to take risks and big steps at this point but one thing that has been hindering me is my family. My PTSD, abuse, and anxiety from them have taken their toll on me and it's getting worse the more I have to deal with their responsibility. in fact, I've become very paranoid of my parents because of what they will do if they ever find out what I try to do as a living. I'm not that open nor I'm willing to open up to anybody. That stress is constricting me from doing the responsible thing for myself because I'm afraid and I use them as a clutch for my survival. That fear leads me from keeping myself away from people and expressing myself.

No one has really taught me how to be myself because I am taught how to be a nice person to the public.

I choose not to deal with therapy not because I don't believe it'll not be helpful. I know the solutions to my problems are elsewhere. For the next several months, I plan to move out of my parent's house a couple of times so I pray I'll be in a more peaceful state of mind. The voices in my head have been getting louder and louder over time and the toxicity of my environment is the reason. I aim to finish comms I want to finish before the end of the year (and refund comms that I don't take interest in anymore, apologies).

Side note on "moving", I will be heading out to three furry conventions: Pawcon 2022, Mid Furfest 2022, and Further Confusion 2023. So if you guys are going there, let me know. Hopefully, we'll do something memorable.

From where I'm at, job hunting is fucking brutal. For now, I'm doing some contract work here and there. With those kinds of jobs and not taking comms, I have more time to focus on my personal projects and artworks that I want to draw.

Yes, I'm not taking any comms for a very very long time. No comms, no trades, no requests. I don't know when I'll reopen but when I do and am confident, I'll let you know.

It's time I need to prioritize my life.