I have, over the course of 1 year and 8 months, struggled with this thing we like to call life. A struggle that involves knowing myself, and who truly cares about me. The feeling of being wanted and shown that, even at my worst I am wanted. There are people who have proven that, at the very height of my pain, a pain that had been deep seated and growing even far before that time.

I had believed, for the longest time, that friendship required me to constantly be on the ball with people. Reaching out, and doing anything and everything that could make someone else happy. Reeling them back in and helping when they suddenly leave, making sure they are truly happy and not just scared. Making sure they are never left alone because, for most of my life, I spent it alone to myself, even if it wasn’t obvious to others in person or online. I have been left on my own many times, and I have found that, in the end, people want people to care for them even if it means following them into the darkness and dragging them out fighting tooth and nail against the very daemons that seek to claim them.

When I figured out what the term ‘Gaslighting’ meant, after so many years of suffering under people who thought my kindness was a tool to use and twist, it revealed something I had never expected. I felt like many people had simply been using me for gains I never noticed. Because I could write, because I brought other people around, because my friends were what they were after, or any number of things. When my use was up? They were gone faster than fresh donuts left in a work break room. I was always left trying to figure out who was truly a friend and who wasn’t.

When my world was torn asunder, and I left a terrible situation, encouraged by many people to follow my heart? Where were they? The people I had fought for, had dueled the beasts for, had sought to bring light and joy even when they tried to shove me away? They’d not come, at least not many of them. My mind only sunk further into the dark as I felt confused, wondering why some people didn’t come to hang out, why they seemed more distant now that I left?

I wanted to reach out, but I started to grow a fear of it. Hesitant at the answers I feared I’d learn, that in the end they truly didn’t care and that, they too were just using me like others had. That in the end, no matter how much I wrote, how much I talked, no matter how much I defended, and protected, and spat words back at people who tried to twist lies about them; that in the end my very friendship didn’t matter.

Then, I became informed, months and months later, that they hadn’t reached out because they thought I needed space.. Space, the very thing that I had loathed and feared, had made sure people understood how much I despised it, how much it hurt me. Yet, none felt the courage to squash these rumors of ‘Needed Space.’ Instead my self doubt grew in ways that even I didn’t comprehend just yet. It was a negative entity that spoke into the depths of my mind and reminded me of all the things that had happened up until this point. How in the end, I felt like, unless I put more effort than the other, I’d never be worthwhile to keep around.

Further still, my darkness grew and grew due to a mixture of mental issues that were coming back from my past; Depression, Imposter Syndrome, and other lesser issues. So I was encouraged, despite my fears, to get some help. When I finally got the courage, I sought help over the phone and spent my time talking and rambling about my feelings and something was recommended. That I let go of those who I feel hurt by, and if they truly care? They would return and seek answers. It seemed simple enough, but I wasn’t sure, so I talked it over with them longer, and spent the time debating it with myself. So I finally did it, at the encouragement of people that I had spent several years of my life bonding with, someone that I had sought help from, and my own partner.

When I finally did it, enacted what was encouraged by many people, when I finally thought I’d see the truth? I was instead, yet again betrayed by my own hopes and dreams as even more people sought to leave me to fend for myself in the darkness. That I needed space when they were the ones I confided in so much about how little space I need if I am not outwardly saying it. I suppose in some sense it could have been my fault, for following the advice of others, and working my way through these trying times. Perhaps it could have been my fault for not spelling it out, even to people that’d try and mediate but wouldn’t truly help.

In the end what had happened is my thoughts on friendship were only cemented by my pain and those that would seek to remedy it without condition, and those that would seek to always be right and never in the wrong.

True friends will always fight through hell and back to make sure friends are okay. They are honest, they are trustworthy, and when they are on your mind you try. You listen to their pains and when their fears are known, you never give them a second to feel those fears even if they make mistakes, even if you think for one moment that they might not want you around. You have no idea how someone near you might feel like a burden, how they might want you around and never truly know how to express themselves.

Friendship is a two way street, you must give as equally as the other, and when only one is truly giving they will eventually feel like they are no longer wanted. That is the time when your actions will either heal someone… or put that final crack in their heart. The longer that crack is left unhealed, the harder it is to fix until someone else comes along and replaces that crack with gold like the Japanese use Kintsugi to fix porcelain.

I never really expected to write so much on how I feel and how I have felt. How I feel betrayed and hurt more than people will ever know by what many consider cowardice, and others may consider abuse. Even the most subtle bit of gas lighting and harm can bring about the biggest damage.

What I seek from this point on is to heal myself. To do the very thing people have told me to do, and yet stopped me from doing. I seek to make myself happy, and do things for myself. I will continue to build my life forward, and bring about happiness in people that have always sought to bring the best and happiest out of me. Know that, those who continue to be my friend and never give me moment to waver, will have me fighting by their side and for them tooth and nail, even if I have to become like Trevor Belmont and fight Death Himself to bring you back to the light.

Some Wizard Rules (and their books from Sword of Truth) that no matter what people say, are very much true. And while I can give examples of people and their actions, it is not my place, for this has always been my guide, even if I have drifted from it.


People are stupid. They believe things mainly because they either want them to be true or fear them to be true. (Wizard's First Rule)
Harm can result from good intention. (Stone of Tears)
Passion rules reason. (Blood of the Fold)
There is Magic in sincere Forgiveness, both in forgiveness received and given. (Temple of the Winds)
Mind people's actions over words. (Soul of the Fire)
Only allow reason to rule you. (Faith of the Fallen)
Life is the future not the past. (Pillars of Creation)
Deserve victory. (Naked Empire)
Contradictions cannot exist. (Chainfire)
Ignoring the truth is betraying yourself. (Phantom)
Embrace life, Strength without hate.(Confessor)
Truth cannot be destroyed. (Omen Machine)
There have always been those who hate, and there always will be. (Severed Souls)
In this world everyone must die. None of us has any choice in that. Our choice is how we wish to live. (Warheart)

( https://sot.fandom.com/wiki/Wizard%27s_Rules )
In the end, I am not even sure what I wished to accomplish with this, having put it off for many days because I was uncertain I wanted to share my feelings. Though, some say it makes me strong to let my feelings free. I know it’ll never fix the damages others caused me or that I may have caused others. I know I can only move forward and keep my arms open for when people are willing to reach out. I already forgave everyone that’s caused me pain, because keeping resentment is a waste of energy, energy I need to use on myself.