This is, perhaps, going to be the most difficult journal entry I have ever written. I know that there will be backlash from this, and I know that the repercussions of what I'm about to reveal may not settle well with many. It may destroy friendships, sever loyalties, destroy trust, create animosity and hatred towards me.

Some will react to it with shock and disbelief. Some will react with denial. But I feel that there will be others who will accept and understand the reasons why.

I wish I had had more sleep to be fresh enough to do this..but alas that is not the case. My mind is a bit muddled but I'm going to go on with this regardless.

And so here I go. This is what I must say:

To those of you here who know me well..who have known me for years and know me as "Lillith" or as "Lana"..I come to you now to say that the person that you think I am..the person that you have spoken to, talked with, shared your life with and revealed many things to...is a lie.

Lana is not real. She never was, and never will be. Lillith is just a character I created years ago out of the juvenile fear and trepidation I had felt when I discovered when I was still a teenager that I was somewhat bisexual. By this, I mean, bisexual in the sense that I found men attractive..even to the point of arousal and that I oftentimes engaged in acts with them over the internet for sexual gratification...but in real life I never had any such urges.

I am male in real life. I was born that way, and I will die that way. I haven't any desire to become female, nor have I had any alterations or surgeries performed on me to make me that way. I am 100% male. I will not offer proof..because to do so would be leaving myself vulnerable..but I will say that I am 28 years old, and I live somewhere in the United States. I was born on May 6th, 1980.

I am really afraid that by revealing this that there may be some who might go so far as to try tracking me down. A silly, baseless fear, I know..but seeing as it was fear that led me to perpetuate this facade for over 11 years, I know too well that fear can make people do things that they would otherwise never rationally do, and think things that aren't logical. So I'm afraid then that revealing this truth now will alert the wolves to my scent. But this is a chance I am taking regardless.

To people I have known, to people I have acquainted with...to those I have talked to over the years, who know me as this woman named Lana..all I can say is that I am deeply, regretfully and completely apologetic that I deceived you all for so long. I know that there are some of you with whom much was shared, and that there were some of you that shared things with me that you shared with who you thought was a real person. I am sorry for the deception and the lies, and I would give anything for you to believe that the deception and the lies were not committed because of some meanspirited, evil tendency, but rather simply because I was scared and afraid of what I felt inside and was afraid of the ridicule and embarassment.

I do not want to name people here individually...those of you who have me added to their watchlists here will know who you are: I have known you or spoken to you for some length of time now..conversed with you as a person that was a complete fabrication. I told you stories about myself that weren't true, even in the slightest. I shared things with you that had no basis whatsoever in reality. And again, I say to you, I did not commit this act of deceit and treachery because I take pleasure in lying to people, or because I am a terrible and awful person. I was just that I was trapped in my own lie and I couldn't escape.

I couldn't escape because I was held in by my own fear of what would happen. I was imprisoned behind my own facade, a prisoner of a fabrication that I made up in the first place to -shield- myself from people. Funny that the shield would become my prison. I wanted to end the facade for quite some time now...and in secret, to a select few..I have made steps to reveal the truth of who I am. I have gained and bolstered a small number of friendships from this...though I did lose the friendship of one person whom I had highly regarded. But after thinking it over, I realized that that person was not a true friend.

A true friend, someone explained to me, is one who will accept you for who you are, with no reservations or second thoughts, without a shred of doubt. I have learned this myself from the people whom I quietly revealed the truth.

The only problem is that, when I was just beginning to feel that I was making some progress..that I was starting to free myself from my own prison..the lie would catch up to me once more, sink its teeth into my shoulder and drag me back into the old habits and deceit as before. This cycle continued for 4 years..maybe even more..where I would try to reveal the truth to as many people as I could..and I would start making a little progress..and then I would meet a new person, and instead of being open and honest about myself from the start, I would once again let myself be caught by my own lie and portray myself as the facade that had held me back for so many years.

I want to free myself of these chains that bind me..I want to cleanse myself of the dirty, dark secret I've held inside for so long. I want to be free..to be myself, to be who I really am...to be -me-. I know this all sound so melodramatic, but at this point I don't really care. I have the gift of words and I will use it here to convey what I feel, regardless of what others will say or think of the way I say it.

At any rate, I can't think of much more to say..other than only to offer my sincerest, most heartfelt and honest apologies..even though I know that to some of you, it will not and maybe never will be enough. For those of you who find that they can forgive a man for being a slave to his own fears, to being -human-..then I will offer my hand to you in friendship as the person I truly am.

To those that will choose to hate and revile me for this..all I can say is that it will be your right to react in whatever way you choose, and I will expect to lose some friends and gain perhaps many enemies from this. I expect the worst in a situation like this..because I know that the crime I have committed is worthy of the worst when it comes to the response that I get from people. I'm expecting it.

I do not wish to alienate or hurt anyone..it's not my intention here..though I do know that such things will be inevitable. My goal is to rid myself of my shackles and be free to be the real me and not a person I made up.

...Anyway..I am going in circles here...mostly because I am tired as hell right now..I have been awake for nearly 24 hours at this point. But after realizing that I had to come out with the truth this morning, I also realized that I would most likely -not- get any sleep today. Make of this what you will.

As for me...well..since FA doesn't let you delete your accounts, this account will have to remain open...but don't expect to see anything more here. This prison will be empty of its former occupant for the rest of my life. I will not pay much attention to it from this day forth.

Instead, I have a different account..one that I've had here for some time but have remained more or less a lurker with. I will not reveal the name on that account or give anyone any links to it; you will find it on your own if you know me well enough. That's the only clue you'll have. I'm shedding myself of these shackles and starting anew. Friends may become enemies. Friends may remain friends. Friends may turn their backs to me. And maybe I'll gain a few new friends. And then again, maybe I'll gain a few new enemies as well. I can't say what the result of this revelation will be. But at this point, it's no longer my concern.



Lillith will remain my character; I am -not- relinquishing her character here. Instead, I am destroying the alter ego known as Lana Charles. Lillith, the character you've seen depicted here before...is and always will be -my- creation.


And with that, I step away from my prison and look towards what lay ahead...as for the rest of you..I have already said what I need to say. You are all free to make your own choices and decisions here; what you choose to feel and what you choose to do is your choice and yours alone.

.......