I’m not one to write about thoughts but recent events have spurred me to engage with someone who won’t stop bothering my loved ones. This post is not about them, but about some changes to my thought process that’s occured. This will be less of a structured journal, but more flow of concious on my world view.

To put it bluntly: For the longest time I felt my life was cursed and a plague on reality. As some of you know I survived cancer only to face abuse for many years. As a result I often make a claim about my 40th birthday, one I don’t regret but I’m trying not to make anymore even if I still believe it (maybe it’ll help make it less of a reality). In short: I’m seeing what it means to mean something to someone, and maybe it’s foolish to say but I realized this only in the last year. I should, as most doctors put it, be dead. I’d rather not rush to that anymore.


I wish life was less chaotic for me. While this may be partially my fault and stability is what i’m now thriving for, a tough change for one that’s been so chaotic.


In February I went through a negative event that sent me into a downward spiral. I won’t get into details but it was difficult to handle and I still really haven’t fully escaped it. Sometimes I worry I won’t


Mask have worsened my prosopagnosia. Some of you might know this, but I lack, mostly, the ability to envision whole faces of my friends in my mind. Only traits. For a while I assumed it was the fault of a memory issue, but I learned later it was more its own condition. Imagine the shock of realizing you won’t be ever able to fully remember the details of someone you loves face.


For a while, as a child, my father raised me as a millitant/euphoric atheist. My thoughts on what’s after death have loosened a bit and now hope for the possibility of reincarnation and an after life where you could hang with friends. If I meet an early death I hope I can be a service dog for my friends, and then I can show them how much I love them until I can speak again.


I’ve deepened frienship with so many people over the last year. I’m less of a recluse, and I got to see my child this year. (Almost 9 years in the making, them being the ones who got me into this community due to a story they wrote). It has made me so happy to make these friends.

I may soon make a leap ahead on the path i’ve desires for 20 years of my life, and I hope I can impact peoples lives so that I can at least due some good with my life. I often see myself as worthless, a nobody with the most unusual luck. To be someone is my only desire.


I love my friends and I hope they know that. It’s time for me to sleep now. 4 AM is hardly an hour to stay up to. I love you all and I hope we can meet up again soon, under happier circumstances.