hey all, I apologize for not posting anything lately, or for a while now. in all honesty things haven't been going so great. I haven't been able to focus or be creative and all that, and...I'm kind of struggling with thoughts of not wanting to be here. I don't really know why I'm writing this here, but....i think I really just need someone to talk to, or somewhere to share what's going on,

my names Nathan, I was born in California, near Santa Barbara. I'm 27 now, trans, high functioning on the spectrum. I moved closer to Westlake a few years after. back then things were pretty alright, you don't really know what's going on as a kid. things sort of...bounce off you. and I had some good friends, and families that gave me some good memories too. but well things took a real fun turn when I was 12. I moved from the United States to Israel. specifically, to a settlement in the west bank. called Efrat. I didn't know at the time the full history of the land i was living on. couldn't even comprehend how much my life was about to change, but i saw the walls, the checkpoints, and i knew something was wrong. i just couldn't comprehend it. and looking back, i didn't really have time to learn the history. A couple months after my 18th birthday my dad had a heart attack and fell into a coma. he stayed like that in the hospital until last year. I'm...not really sure even how to begin getting into how hard it was. but it has hard. just trying to pay the bills. help mom with rent, finish high school, figure out college, try and be some kind of responsible figure for my siblings, the first year or two of his coma were bearable, but as time dragged on and he was still in the hospital, during the pandemic i just burned out completely. looking back i couldn't handle it all, my dad still being in this weird not dead not alive state. not even being able to mourn properly or deal with the trauma with my family. one thing that deeply bothered me after my dad fell. to my mom, it was like he just dropped of the earth, we never talked about what happened. not once, did she ever think to sit with us and explain what happened, she literally left that up to me. a few years later ive learned to set boundaries. and things are a little better. my siblings are older now and ive managed to keep them away from the army.

looking back and understanding my family dynamic a little bit better there's unfortunately no better way than to describe it as negligent at best. and abusive at worst. me and my siblings were almost friends of sort. I realize we were all we had for support. turning to mom just meant getting yelled at or humiliated. i didn't really know my dad too well before he died, but he was nicer than mom. i have a couple good memories with him as a kid. before we came to israel. but he was always.......distant, I look back and i always ask questions like, why didn't they ever say I love you? why were they always fighting with each other? why didn't the ever just...talk to me? ask me how I was doing? i just feel like they never really talked with me.

i never really got the chance to ask my dad. but my mom...unfortunately I don't have many kind things to say about her. I understand everyone has their struggles. and I do my best to be forgiving. if not for her, then for myself. but she's an abuser, a manipulator. and id have to write several pages of the bad memories I have of her. the ones I haven't blacked out. and she really got worse after my dad fell. she focused alot of her anger on me and my siblings.
before that, I'm realizing my dad took the brunt of her anger, they were always fighting. sometimes physically. but after he wasn't there, the yelling, threatening, emotional abuse, control, sometimes physical when she'd throw things, it turned to me and my siblings. it hasn't been fun. and ive felt the need to stay behind to try and shield my siblings from her. she just... she's a racist, neurotic person, that refuses to work with her family. ive tried therapy, she doesnt even listen to the therapist. she's an ultra-Zionist. a term I'm hoping more people are becoming aware of. during the genocide she was openly calling for everyone in Gaza to be killed. i can't even begin to get into the absolute vile that she was spewing in the last couple of years. years ago when i was still trying to fix things, she mentioned in therapy to the therapist, complaining why she couldn't go to the border of Gaza and protest the food going in. without feeling guilty or getting pushback from me for that. I'm. not. fucking. kidding. it was around then I basically pulled the plug.

in the last 4 years ive been learning the full truth about where i live. there's way to really skirt around it. I'm worried I'll be called out for something or be told I'm lying or something.....i don't know. i don't care anymore. ever since October 7th here in Israel everything has just gotten worse, I was pro-Palestinian, and anti-Zionist even before the war. and for the past 2 something years ive been trying to show the truth to those around me about what's happening in gaza. the genocide, starvation, mass killings, baby killings, rapes in prison, here in the west bank. i mean, everything. but all that's gotten me is yelled at, lost friends, lost work. i got kicked out of my parents' house. it's not just my mom, its fucking almost everyone. there's me, my siblings and two or three other people I know that are pro Palestinian. just asking the bare minimum questions. I'm completely isolated. and I'm so tired of getting punished for just being a basic human fucking being, it constantly feels like I'm living in upside down world. I can't keep living like this. seeing what my country is doing, especially now with Iran. and not being able to even join the world in protest because I'm at the heart of it. knowing these psychos would turn on me in a second.

i just...i dont know how to handle it anymore. its everything....not having any parents to rely on, or extended family. feeling so alone all the time, the anger for getting punished for standing up for the Palestinians, emotionally I'm a mess. how am I supposed to move forward? I want to leave so bad. but I don't know where to go. I just don't want to end up homeless. and I have some medical issues ive been trying to fix for years. it feels like the world is collapsing. and I'm at the center of so much fucking evil. it feels like a joke. honestly the only thing that keeps me going is just how strong the people in Gaza and around me in the west bank are. if they can survive so can I. that and the hope one day I can get out of here, and join literally the rest of the world their justified animosity to this country. i might just pack a bag and start over in the US. i don't know what ill do. but this isn't life here. I'm trying to stay positive, and keep myself together. I'm just not built for this. i just want to be around people that care about these things.