Today I spent some time taking stock of what life has amounted to in the past 28 years in my life. I spent time remembering those who have been left behind, and those who chose to be left behind, I thought of family, of friends, of goals, of dreams and expectations. I thought about all I have lost and all I have gained. I, along with everyone else have been shaped by the life Ive lead. I dont have a clue as to where life is taking me, but here is what I personally have learned so far:


Family is an incredibly important facet of life. I do not know what I would have done if my family werent there at my lowest point, a point in which I was lost and confused. They helped me get back on my feet, and to feel good about myself as a person again. I thank my stars everyday that they have remained an important aspect of my life. At present, my father is having heart issues which are scaring the hell out of me, as out relationship has had the most drastic change in the past couples of years in which hurt and confusion have turned aside to provide understanding and a caring relationship. He is currently studying to be an ordained pastor so I am hoping his faith in god is justified. My mother, out relationship has always been kind of complicated often hitting highs and lows in rapid succession, but as critical as she is of me, and I of her nothing will change the fact that when I have needed her in any way she has been there 110%. I will never forget that, and be grateful that she is my mother. My Sister is on the right track; she is going to school and is almost done. She plans to forge her life in England, with her boyfriend and I could not be happier for her. Having a sibling so far away will be a test to the ties that a family provides, and Im sure we will prevail. My brother worries me some since he has made some very unusual choices, but as he has always been supportive of me and my choices I will do likewise, turn about is fair play. These are perhaps the most important people in my life and in the past I have made choices that have caused conflict, but all told, we are still a very loving and caring family, a fact that has not been lost on me. They have taught me the importance of being my own person, make my own choices but still to provide support and love to those who need it. They have taught me that no matter what, those we care for, no matter what choices or mistakes they make are still those we care for and we must take that responsibility seriously.

My friends have been few and far between, mostly by my own choice. I have learned that friendships are fragile and easily broken, I have learned that friends can lead you down a horrible path and help you make awful choices I have learned that friends can betray you and hurt you deeper than anything else in this world could. I have learned that to trust a friend is to take a risk. But...I have also learned that loyalty and love can heal most wounds, I have learned that when things get tough friends can shed light onto a situation and help you see solutions where you only saw despair. I have learned that although time can build walls between friends, it can also open paths and opportunities. There are currently only 2 people I feel comfortably about calling friends, Amanda and Sara. They have shown me that trust can really be placed on some people. They have taught me that acceptance and understanding go much further and burn much more brightly when we open ourselves totally to another leaving all vulnerabilities exposed. Amanda is a constant force in my life, and has helped me over many rough spots. She was there when my world collapsed and was the one to help me pick up the pieces and put them back together. She helped me move on from the quagmire I was stuck in and she helped me learn to live again. She was tough on me, forced me to face many truths I did not want to deal with, she pushed me to go further than anyone has before, and I whole heartedly thank the gods that she is in my life. With her I enjoy a level of intimacy that no man could ever fill, and I have come to rely on her love and her trust. Sara is my cousin and friend we dont get to see much as we live a considerable distance apart. However, when we do see each other its as if no time has passed. Her wisdom and intellect continue to help me make sense of the world, and her quiet perseverance even when things are not well inspire me to be a better person all around. Her advice has helped me out of many tight corners and she will forever be a welcomed participant in my life. From them 2 people I have learned that it is alright to trust, to love and depend on others. I have learned that if nothing else I have a dependable source of strength and love I can turn to when things look their darkest, and thus so do they. For them I will always go the extra mile.

On relationships. You know, I have been truly in love only once in my life. I can even pinpoint the exact moment I fell. There was a college production which I attended, and he was a performer in it, there were some rafters that he had to climb and when he reached the top, seemingly effortless his eyes found mine. He smiled and winked and at that moment I was in love, and I mean fiery overwhelming love. He took my breath away, I remember Amanda was with me and asked me several times if I was alright lol. I had thought I was in love before but nothing I had felt for him ever mirrored. That relationship did not last long and for many reasons. It broke my heart when it was over. From him I have learned key lessons that I will forever thank him for. I learned what it is to hurt totally mind body and spirit. I learned that despair will overpower your better senses. I learned that death has its appeal. I learned what betrayal truly tastes like. I learned that love is meaningless in and of itself. I learned that insensitivity can cut deeper than any knife ever could and leave more noticeable scars. I learned that life is a very big bitch. But I also learn the primordial comfort of holding someone as you both begin to fall asleep. I learned of the satisfaction of waking up in a warm embrace. I learned that having to make decistions and compromises together can be a great character builder. I learned the security and warmth a kiss can convey. I learned its ok to be vulnerable, trusting your partner to not take advantage. I learned that conflict is not necessarily bad. I learned that it is the smaller things that truly make a difference. All these negatives and positives balance out I believe. Sadly one thing I have yet to learn is to trust again. The opportunities have come my way to have something wonderful and I have shied away because of my experiences. My sex life has be and will continue to be active and well balanced, however I cant fathom myself in a relationship quite yet. This has cost me many good possibilities as I put up a wall when the men Im seeing turn the talk to relationships. I do not blame my ex for this, as this is wholly my problem.

My goals and dreams have remained the same. I will continue going to school to achieve my psychology major and my law minor. It is something I have wanted to do since high school and will continue to work towards. I consider myself to have a good mind, and course work has never been a problem. Aside from that, I dont know much of anything else. I do plan to leave the USA in the foreseeable future. Although this is in fact a good, strong nation, the opportunities it affords people like me are very limited. I, however disagree with its social policies, cultural norms and overall conservative attitude. For a nation that is based in democracy, its liberties are greatly sub par to other nations. I am thinking about Canada as an option, as well as back to my homeland (which yes although a commonwealth of the USA, by no means is life there mirrored by life here). These decisions can wait for now though. I expect that whatever endeavor I take, I will make a good run of it with the people by my side, whether that means family, friends, boyfriend, neither or all.

All in all I have learned that I am a person with his own needs, desires and limitations. I have learned to seek help when needed within the people I trust. I have learned that life is a roller coaster and that if I am to hang on I have to adapt and grow with my experiences. I have learned that life is a much bigger picture than what happens within one individual person. I have learned that life goes on and the triumphs and tragedies wont change that. I have learned that to love someone totally can make you a better person. I have learned to look outside myself to those around me and empathize with not only their pain and suffering but also with the happiness and joy. I have learned that to reach out to someone can have equal benefits to both parties. I have learned that I am a decent person regardless of how sometimes I see myself. I have learned that I have a lot of love to give, and a great capacity of receive. I have learned to be tolerant of people I dont see eye to eye with. I have learned that I as a whole am not a diminished person