My name..Is Mai. Mai Chao. I am from the Henan Province of China. My story is not an easy one. I will tell it because it will let you know who Mai is..Forgive me if it drags on. I have never been good with keeping my mouth shut. I was born in the year 1984. China was changing. The economy was improving dramatically. However, my parents were traditional people who believed in traditional values. I do not fault them in the least. We are raised certain ways and without very difficult circumstances we often do not change our ways or our ways of thinking. I love my parents very much. My sister, my brother. But they are not my family anymore.

I was born Heng Pan. Which, is certainly not what you would name a girl. Because I was not born one. My father oversaw one of the many farms in the Provence for it's owner. I was the middle child. My sister, a few years older than me, and my brother born two years after me. I was always quiet. Always in the shadows. I watched everything. My mother once took my face in her hands and said to me..

"Heng..why do you have such sad eyes?" For a child, it was unusual..especially growing up in such vast open land. I should have been happy to play with other children. I did not. I was not happy. I watched them play and their games did not interest me. I had no desire to play the role of a soldier. A warrior. An emperor or a martial artist..The games they played were rough and violent and I had no taste for them.

I listened however, to the music that our neighbors played. Their daughter. Lan. She was a dancer. I would watch her dance to the music her mother played on her Violin. My mother caught me watching one day and I was concerned she would be upset. She asked me however. "Heng, is that what you would like to practice? Music?"

It was not exactly why I watched, but I lied and said yes. I was only six. So, the next day my father took me into the city to buy a Violin. I chose a simple one. It was large for my hands but my father said that I would grow into it. He found the idea of me playing the Violin a bit strange. It was not a task for a boy, I had heard him say to my mother the evening before. She pleaded with him. She spoke to him that I did not play with others, that I seemed always lost in my own eyes. He agreed after a while.

I practiced every day. My fingers were nimble and I allowed myself to be lost in the music I made. Dreaming of the things I could never tell my parents or my siblings. I remember, I would often swing wildly between emotions. I would cry, and I would smile as I played. I would laugh, and I would feel a deep and unsettling rage. I did not understand why I felt the way I did..how could I? School was very difficult. Never fitting in with my peers. I wanted nothing to do with the groups that formed of my gender..It grew in me. My anger. My pain. My want to be among the groups of what I felt were truly MY peers.

I knew what I felt was shameful and it made no sense to me. My father one night..described me to his friends as they drank as a ghost. He said I moved in such silence that he never knew where I was, or what I was doing. It was starting to not matter..My younger brother was growing to be just the son my father wanted. Hard headed and eager to puff his chest out at any opportunity. A boy my father could be proud of. My violin became my best friend. The only thing that could really hear my heart. Because the sounds it played was what my heart felt. The sadness in me continued to grow.

I was ten. When things began to get worse. The summer before I had let my hair grow. As winter settled my father had noticed it's length to my back and said that I must cut it. I became very upset. I expressed to him that long hair on a male was a very traditional thing. However, my father and others were growing far more aware of the Western World..Effeminate men with other men, or as they had been told. It had struck a nerve. My father was greatly opposed to..alternative lifestyles. My mother begged him to let it go. He would not. It was the first time I ran away from home.

I will never forget being held down by my father, while he cut my hair with a sheer. It was all I had to represent how I truly felt. I ran away. I ran, and ran, and ran until my feet could carry me no further and I collapsed on the road. No one came for me, no one found me and gave me shelter like in a story book. I sat beside the road against a stone until the sun rose. My stomach growled but my pride growled much louder. I was determined not to go home. For four days I simply walked. I ate what I could find from fields and anyone who would give me anything to eat.

It was then that I encountered men in a village dressed in orange. I knew they were monks but I had never met one. I was filthy, my clothes were torn and my hair was uneven and ruined. I sat beside the road and one of them approached me. His body was lean and his face was kind. He crouched next to him and asked me a question. "What is wrong?" He said, simply and quietly. The smile on his broad black and white face made me want to cry.

I said simply "I am wrong." He asked me why I felt I was wrong? I told him "My father hates me. I feel like I am trapped inside my own body." I did not know how to express it properly then. But he said something to me that I will never forget. He reached out and touched my head and said "Only your own understanding saves you from suffering." It would take me many years to understand this.

I went back home. My mother embraced me and held me to her chest. My father sat at the table and watched me with eyes that told me he had detached himself from me further. My older sister and I never spoke much really. She was always busy with her things, and as much as I envied her. As much as I..hated..her for being the way I felt I should be. I never reached to her. I never reached to anyone. My little brother continued to grow and be the true example of my fathers heart. The next time I ran away I was fourteen..This would be the last time I saw my family for nearly seven years..

It was because of the boy I liked. I admired him from afar in school. I had grown more outcast and more reclusive. Which was difficult to do when you are often required to intermingle with your peers. I kept my distance. I kept quiet. I simply watched. It is funny..I do not even remember his name. But he noticed I was watching him. One evening after school he approached me. He was beautiful. Strong..brave..he was popular, he was everything I was not. Everything I was supposed to be that I was not. I simply acknowledged to myself that I was not right nor would I ever be. However I could not stop myself from watching him. He asked me..

"Heng. You are always watching me. Why?" His tone was not accusatory. It was surprisingly quiet. I stood there on the side of the road watching him. Something in me..broke. I opened my muzzle and spoke. I could not stop myself. I told him he was beautiful, and I told him how I felt about him. He rose his hand, and I thought he would strike me. Getting hit was somewhat of a regular occurrence at school. When you are looked at as "that way" without ever being told..just understood. You are not the popular one. He touched my cheek and drew himself closer to me. He spoke, quietly.

"Heng. You are so very dangerous. You are so quiet..Is it because you're gay?" His hand on my cheek and his words made my blood run cold. What could I have said. He said the word that everyone whispered but no one really ever talked about. I told him simply that I didn't know. It didn't make sense to me. I was starting to babble. You see..when I could, I wanted to talk and never stop talking. Like there was something..someone, inside me who had so much to say but had been gripped by the throat for so long.

He kissed me. I did not go home that night. The experience was very..eye opening for me. Through his eyes, and his hands I felt alive for just a brief moment in time. I look back on it and I see that it was nothing short of romantic and nearly ideal. We kept warm together beneath one of the trees in a neighbor's field. We watched the sun rise. He held me against him and my head on his chest, I exhaled softly. My breath clouding in front of my eyes. I asked him why me? He looked down at me and slid a hand over my hair and said "Because Heng, being the way we are..no one will ever accept us..we have to find what comfort we can and never speak of it."

I did not want to live my life that way. We parted ways as the sun rose and I gathered my things and made my way home. When I came inside. My mother was waiting for me. She had waited all night. I could not feel guilty. I was..happy. She saw the smile on my face and she asked me why I was smiling? She could only remember a few times that she had ever seen me smile in honest. I threw myself at her feet and gathered her hands in mind and I told her. I told her everything. My father had usually left for work by now. She stared at me with wide open eyes and cupped her hands over my mouth when I told her of my experience in the field. That I had found someone like me..or so I thought. That I felt loved, that I felt close to someone. She silenced me. It was however too late. My father had been standing in the hallway. Listening. In my haste I had not noticed him. The fight was nothing short of explosive. I will not go into the details.

I left the valley that very morning. I left behind my mother, my father, my brother, and my sister..I left him behind too. I took what I could. I shoved past my father..I was not exactly small. But I wasn't very large. I took my violin..I took whatever I could fit in my bag and he yelled to me that he would have no such monster in his house, and that I was not welcome. I looked at him and simply said that I had no intention of coming back. I look back and I feel foolish. I understand now how hard that must have been for my father..To have a cursed son. To lose part of his family, to be unable to look past his own ideas of the world. It is not his fault entirely.

I made my way to the city of Zhengzhou. It would be where I lived my life for the next five years. I worked anywhere I could. I kept my ear to the ground. I learned of others that I thought were like me. I stayed with anyone I could. Some times on the street, some times with numerous others. You see, the underground for gay men in Zhengzhou was less about acceptance, and more about sex and drugs. The outspoken of their community were silenced or beaten by others..Keep silent..and pretend nothing was wrong. I remember, sitting in a house one night..The people I saw were so very confusing..Some were older men, some were young like me. Others were middle aged. Some well dressed, some in rags. I did what I had to do to make money to survive. To feed myself. I found solace in cocaine. It made the nights easier. I found that a young, trim, effeminate male like myself could do Very well at these parties.

I gained a reputation..I gained a..following..A client base. It was easy..it was very easy for me. I always noticed that I did not want to be their male lover..but that was what they wanted and it was what I gave them. The odd thing that stuck out to me was that I was not prized for my masculinity..The man I lived with. Chung, was his name. He was always introducing me to men whom came to the home we stayed in to meet others, and they always took a liking to me. I was ignorant and stupid. I had no idea that Chung was what you would call my handler. They would pay him, and they would pay me, to maintain the illusion. Chung would provide me with cocaine, and I would simply fall into my place and for that short while..feel like I was at least a little right.

Things did not stay so good for long. The house was eventually raided and I was arrested, along with Chung. Jail was a terrifying experience. I was not able to have the drugs I needed..They let me rot, and wallow for days. I could not take it. The jeers and treatment from guards, the feelings of withdrawal. I wanted it to end. So, I tried to end it. Later, when I woke up in hospital I was told by a nurse that the guards had called for help at the last minute..There had been talk of letting me simply bleed to death. I didn't care. It was then however..that she walked into my life. One of the first few therapists that was assigned to hospital. She never told me her name, because she explained to do so could damage her career if it got out that she was helping people like me. So, I simply referred to her as my helper.

I was not charged with anything..It would have brought to light what was going on even further, rather than just act as a discouragement. I told my helper everything. She told me that perhaps I wasn't the way I thought. She explained to me that there were people like me. People trapped in the wrong body. Her cousin, had felt the way I felt. She told me that he had moved away, that he had gone to get help, that he had changed himself. She told me that his name was Meilin now..She explained that this was not advice she could give me on anything more than a personal level. But she explained that what I felt was very similar to what..she..had felt. It opened my eyes. I never saw her again once I was discharged. I made my way back to the house I had stayed at with Chung. I simply moved the police line and made my way to my room. I took my Violin which was still hidden in the wall, and I left. I was eighteen years old. It was the year 2002. Times had changed, were changing. Everything was changing. I followed my helpers advice.

I used the money I had left, and made my way by train to Thailand. Bangkok. It was unlike anywhere I had ever been before. By now I knew what I was looking for. I still wish that I could have found the people I needed in a place other than where I found them..but such is the life I lead..the way I lead it. You find people like you..where there are people Like you. I did not speak Thai, but there were some who spoke Chinese. I asked a shop owner where men go for fun at night. He directed me exactly where I needed to go. I spent that first night watching. Like I had always done. I watched them work, I watched them go. I watched them come back. They were beautiful..As I sat there, a woman approached me. She was tall, and pretty. Her pelt was well groomed and glossy. She spoke to me in Thai, and I was shocked. It was not a woman's voice coming from her throat. The look of shock on my face was hard to miss. She called for a friend, who approached and spoke to me in Chinese.

"What are you doing here? You have been sitting and watching for hours." I told her that I was trying to find my place. To find people like me. She asked me who I was like. I stared at her and turned my face up to her tall friend in her blue dress and I said "..Like her." She understood and looked up to her friend and spoke to her in Thai. The smile on her face was impossible to ignore. She leaned down and took my face in her hands and turned it left, and right. She spoke before pulling me to my feet.

"She says you have a pretty face and it will work out fine." I didn't quite understand what she meant. I explained my situation to Malee..I told her everything once we were inside a small apartment just down the block on the bottom floor. Malee translated for Lawan. Lawan stood above me. A hand on her hip, fingers beneath her muzzle as she watched me. Her hair was curled around her shoulder. She was very pretty. I envied her. That night was one I will not be able to forget. Lawan told me that she would help me. But it would not be for free. Nothing was free. I knew that. I bathed and was given a mat to sleep on. Lawan asked me as I lay there if I had ever worked before. Through Malee we were able to converse. I told her I knew how to work. Lawan told me I would need a new name, and that I would have to choose one. She also told me that I would need to make a change. I was tired, and she knew it. They let me sleep.

The next day things would become very interesting for me. When I woke. Lawan and Malee were waiting for me to wake up. Rather, they were talking so loudly I had no choice but to wake up. They pulled me off my mat like I was some kind of new toy to play with. In a way, I was. They told me I would need a symbol. Malee brushed my hair out, and Lawan inspected my hands. They grinned at my apparent confusion. Malee said to me "Do not think of it as being someone else..Think of it as letting yourself out." I had never thought of that before. By sunset, they were satisfied. My hair had been brushed and I had chosen a symbol. A jade green streak through my bangs that hung down the right side of my face. Lawan said Panda's were exotic. That I would do best as a Chinese rarity. That she should accentuate that. It was Lawan who taught me to dye my fur, to extend the blacks by my eyes, on my arms, and my thighs. They asked me if I had chosen a name. I smiled and said yes.

"Mai."

It was simple, and expressive to myself. Mai. I was Myself. As I looked at myself in the mirror I could hardly believe it was me. My hair in the right place. My lips a soft red. I could hardly see Heng in it anymore. Lawan was right. My face was pretty, and I was lucky for that. However, there were other issues to overcome. I opened my violin case when I had a moment to myself and picked it up before the nights work would begin. I held it fondly and turned it. That was when something thumped against the strings and fell to the case. It was a small packet filled with white powder. I knew it well. I must have stared at it for nearly ten minutes before I heard Malee call for me. I took it with me.

Over the next months they taught me Thai, and I learned to speak it very well. I found that there was a very diverse culture here in Bangkok. Men from all over the world. America, England, Russia, everywhere. Especially sailors. Lawan told me that I would be getting mostly customers that wanted a man who looked like a female. She told me she knew that wasn't ideal for me, but it would have to do considering I lacked breasts and other components that Malee did not. Lawan however, had breasts. One night once work was done, I came out of my room as my client had already left. I tucked my hair back behind my ears and sat with Lawan at the small table and exhaled. Lawan could tell it had been a little rough that night. I asked her..how, she looked the way she looked. Lawan smiled, and told me she'd been waiting. She got up, and came back with a black case and sat down next to me. She opened it, and inside were syringes. I told her I didn't inject. She rolled her eyes and said it wasn't That kind of drug. She explained that they were hormones..you could buy them on the black market. Lawan had been self administering for a long time. She was about as knowledgeable as one could get on the subject.

She explained that she would help me..but I'd have to help pay for it. I eagerly agreed when she told me what it had done for her. Given I am a gigantic baby. I could not watch her give me the two injections required that she estimated by my height and weight. As she cleaned the needle she didn't look at me and said "If you keep using, I will not help you anymore. I can see it in your eyes Mai. I can tell. You will die if you continue and if you are taking these as well? It will not help. That is the bottom line. It is time to choose girl. Do you want to be right? Or die with a bloody nose." She left me with that thought at the table. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity. I looked down at myself. My red dress which clung to my body like a skin. It almost seemed wrong to wear it. I laid my head down on the table, and cried myself to sleep.

Time went on, and on my twenty first birthday I was celebrating. My body had begun to change. My mind had felt right for months. I had not used since Lawan gave me that ultimatum. Bangkok was a city of lights and fast life. People like me were accepted, we were not pushed away. It was said that it did not violate any laws or any of the principals of Buddhism. I was starting to finally feel like Mai. My nails I had painted a beautiful shell pink, and I spent a lot of time on them. However..I felt a pang of regret. My family in China had not heard of me, nor seen me in seven years. We came home by sunrise, drunk and laughing. I sat down at our small table again and leaned forward, staring at Lawan. Who expressed I looked like a rug flopped like that on the table. I told her I was happy. Malee sat down next to me and set down a piece of paper and said "Happy Birthday Mai." It was a pamphlet on information. I read it blearily and asked aloud

"Really!?" Malee nodded and Lawan leaned foward and said "I believe you. Some do it for a weird thrill..others, truely need it..I did not want to get your hopes up until I knew. You are Mai..it's time to start helping you be Mai as much as possible."

I had saved my money. I had always learned to be thrifty, you had to be when you were poor. I had started teaching Violin on my days where I was not working with Malee and Lawan. I had enough money. My visit to the office was a long one. I was not a documented resident of Thailand. However, the doctor was a sympathetic soul to our plight. There were certain discounts that could be given. I took full advantage. Malee came to pick me up once everything was done two days later. I had paid everything I had nearly for the procedure. Malee had a grin on her face and she said "Lawan is going to be upset. They are bigger than hers." It hurt to laugh, so I barely chuckled. I had considerable development before the augmentation..it paid off well. It felt like it was a step closer. It was. When I got back to our apartment Lawan was happy to see me. I sat down and she inspected me and said that when I healed I would be very popular. She warned me not to steal her clients or she would throw me out. She was joking.

As the weeks turned into months I often thought of my parents. It was 2005 now. Lawan had been right. I did become more popular because of my breasts. It was getting harder and harder to ever tell I had been Heng. I was..happy. Despite having been a prostitute for nearly eight years of my life..I never looked at it that way. I looked at it as simply doing what I could to survive and make money. I had no education, I had no future..All I had was now. It was december of 2005 that things changed. I will never forget that night. It was snowing, and the lights were bright as ever. I rounded the corner towards our apartment and right away I knew. The familiar sight of flashing lights and police. I dropped my bag of groceries and ran. I came to a stop when one of the officers forcefully Made me stop. I clawed at him to look over his shoulder. Malee was there..sitting beside the doorway to our little apartment in shambles. Lawan was nowhere to be seen. I yelled and told them I lived with Malee..They let me through finally and I dropped to my knees beside her. She grabbed hold of me. Her nails sank into me and I didn't care. She wailed. She told me that Lawan had been killed.

I could only keep asking why? Why? Over and over. It wasn't until later on that Malee was able to talk to me properly. We sat there on the curb as the police continued to work. Malee rested in my arms and she told me that a client had killed Lawan. He had been new..and when he found out that Lawan was not entirely a woman. He had gone into a rage and attacked her. Malee had been in the other room. She had called for police as soon as he fled. Malee had been hurt, but not badly. Losing Lawan changed everything. We could no longer afford the apartment after her expenses were covered. The light had gone out of Malee's eyes. I felt like I had lost a sister and a mother at the same time. I have never felt such greif in my life. I played the Violin at Lawan's burial in a small space that we had managed to pay for. Malee and I were the only ones there. Things were falling apart so rapidly. Our anchor was gone. Our grounding. Our home. Lawan had been so central to our lives.

One day, I simply found Malee was gone. I do not blame her. Wherever she went, I hope that she is happy. I was out of options. There was only one thing for me to do. I had to go home. I couldn't take living on my knees anymore, and I couldn't take being on my own. Not again. I knew that I could wind up like Lawan..So I left. I took what money I had and bought my way back to Henan..I leave the name of my village out because I simply do not want to bring it to attention. Stepping foot into the valley again filled me with dread and trepidation. I wore a dress. It was pretty. It fit well and was a soft blue mixing with purple along it's back. Like a flower. I carried my old violin case and my bag as I walked. I knew my way. Things had changed. More..built. Yet they stayed the same in a lot of ways.

I stood on the road, looking down it towards my old home. I could see that it was quiet here. Clothes still hung outside on the line. I could see my mothers blouse and my fathers shirt blowing in the breeze. They still lived there. I heard a voice from the field.

"Hey! Hey are you lost?"

I turned my head and set down my bag, pushing my hair back behind my left ear gently. I stared. It was my little brother..He had to be nineteen by now. He was tall, and strong. Everything my father had wanted in a son. I stared at him and found myself unable to speak as he stepped up onto the road and brushed his hands off on his pants.

"Are you alright? I have never seen you before. Have you come as a teacher for our school in the valley? Sometimes they drop off new teachers in the wrong place..It happens sometimes. Is that a violin case? Oh you must be a music teacher."

He didn't recognize me. Or the old violin case. He exhaled, and spoke. I had worked very hard to change my voice over the years. It still kept some of it's dusky tone but it was impossible to remove. They said I sounded like a Chinese Edna Mode from the movie the Incredibles. I did not disagree, and I did not mind. We had watched it together in Bangkok..we picked up an English version with Subtitles. It was true, I did sound that way.

"No. I am not lost exactly..I..I have family here in the valley..I am just not sure if they want to see me. We did not part ways under the best of circumstances."

He blinked and canted his head and exhaled. Rubbing his chin gently before he spoke.

"Well. A lot of families have moved away from the Valley to live in the cities..better money if you are not in a position like my father. Come. My father will know if your family still lives here or not. If they do not, we can help find them I am sure. My father keeps track of everyone who comes and goes in the valley."

I could feel my heart welling with fear. How could he not recognize me? I understood it was difficult. I had done everything in my power to Not ever look like Heng again. I had no choice. My feet carried me beside him as I walked. My shoes depressing the gravel beneath them. I remembered this road.
"Do you have any siblings?" I asked aloud as I turned my head to look at my little brother.
He turned his head to me for a moment and kept walking.

"My older sister is in Hong Kong studying to become a doctor. I used to have an older brother. He left us a long time ago. They say he died in the city of Zhengzhou. Honor can only go so far when it comes to life I think. They say he died in jail."

He sounded almost sad as we walked and I looked at him. I reached out and grabbed his arm and took hold of his hand. He turned to face me and stared with a rather shocked look on his face.

"Miss did I say--" I cut him off.

"Feng..It is me. Heng.."

He stared long and hard. His muzzle opened and he sucked in a breath. He could see it in my eyes. In the corners of my muzzle. Just barely there. He just stood there, looking shocked, and I kept hold of his hand. Squeezing it unintentionally tightly. I wanted so much for him to understand me..I longed for my family. So badly.

"..Heng..?"

He said quietly as he reached out to touch my face.

"It..is..it is you. H-how?! How do you..look..and sound this way how have you..Why!?"

He expressed loudly as he pulled his hand from mine and stepped back slowly. He began to pace slightly as I watched him. I exhaled, and spoke. I had to explain.

"Feng. Please calm down..I..I wanted to come home I have missed you and mother and father..I have missed all of you..My life has been so hard. Please don't hate me Feng!"

I had started to cry. Though I did not sob. I wanted him so very much to love me. I began to speak, to tell him of why I was the way I was. What I had learned. What I had seen. He continued to pace on the road in front of me as I spoke. Eventually he came to a stop and he exhaled softly and looked me in the face and spoke.

"..Father will never..accept you..like this. We thought you had died Heng..They said you died. That you had cut your own wrists in prison because of your shame and you chose not to live anymore rather than continue to bring shame to yourself and to our name..They told us that I think to make it easier on mother and father..They said they had to dispose of your body due to disease..We buried nothing..but we did bury you."

The words were like a knife in my chest. Yet somehow, I had almost expected it in a way.

"Heng did die. Heng is gone, and is never coming back..Heng was a lie from the day he was born Feng. Heng was a prison..Heng did want to die, and Heng did cut his wrists. But from Heng..I was born. My name is Mai..and I am your sister..I was always your sister..I did not understand it. I could not have understand it. But I am Mai..I will Always be Mai..and I love you Feng..you are my little brother..I have nowhere left to go. I have nothing left Feng..I cannot live like I used to..I cannot do it anymore..I will die again, and this time I will not come back. P-please..I have to..come home..Tell me they will not hate me.."

Feng inhaled, his jaw tightening. I knew that look, it was the same as my father used to get when he was about to say No to something he didn't want to say no to, but knew he had to.

"No..Mai. I will not tell you that. Seeing you like this will hurt father more than you dying..It will hurt mother to know she grieved for you so intensely..They have been cold to one another since you left..since you died. She blames him for you. He blames her for making you what you are. Neither of them are who they used to be..and it is because of you..That they are suffering..I will not let them suffer further because you want to come home..You cannot come home. I will not let you hurt my family more than you already have."

I could see that it was hard for him to take this approach. It was what he thought was right however. My heart had broken. I could feel nothing but numb. I turned my face towards the house I had grown up in. I could see my mother approaching the line of clothes. She had gained weight. My father was nowhere in sight. I watched her start to take and fold clothes, and I turned my face to Feng.
"If you cast me away..I.."

He cut me off by taking hold of my hand and closing it around something. I could feel it was money. It was all he had on him. Feng stared at me and his stern face stayed that way.
"Goodbye Mai. This was Heng's home. Heng has died. I only have one sister, and a dead brother. Our family has suffered enough shame..It is time for you to leave."

His grip on my hand was tight, and growing tighter. It was a sign, he would not let me get any closer to home. I made a choice. Gently I pulled my hand away and picked up my violin case and held it out to him.
"Take this..tell them I was from Zhengzhou..Tell them that I had this of their sons..Tell them that I told you he didn't die in jail..Tell them that Heng died saving a young woman named Mai from certain death..Tell them Mai is forever grateful to them for having had Heng as a son. Even if he was a disgrace..his final act was to save someone's life. Tell them."

I said quietly, and he took the violin case and held it by the handle next to his side. I picked up my bag from the gravel road and slung it against my shoulder. I kept the money he gave me. Feng looked at the case, and then back at me. My face was cold. He could see no trace of Heng in me at that moment..he exhaled softly and smiled.

"Thank you Mai..I'll tell them of the brave thing Heng did for you. It will bring them some peace..and so will having this. Goodbye."

I did not wait for him to say anything further. I simply turned, and began to walk away. That was the last time I saw my mother, or my brother. Or my home. I would never return. I walked. I did not stop. I was determined to simply walk. I reached Zhengzhou by bus after I could walk no more. Stepping onto the streets again I knew I had very few options. My heart was wearing down. I could feel myself slipping into the desire to simply sleep. I sat down on a park bench after walking for a short time and exhaled softly. I closed my eyes, and didn't open them until I heard a distinct chanting. The color orange caught my eyes. Monks. Like I had seen so many years ago. They came to Zhengzhou to talk to youth and explain the ways of Buddhism and the temple where you could go to pray and meditate.

I had never thought of it before. But I was desperate. I got up, and began to follow them. Like in my youth, I watched, and listened. The sun was setting by the time they reached an old bus. It was then that an old monk turned slightly and looked at me.

"..Are you coming or staying daughter?"

I stared. I glanced behind me and moved forward..and when I reached him he gently set a hand upon my back and he looked at me. I didn't recognize him, but somehow..he recognized me.
"..Have you finally understood? Only your own understanding saves you from suffering. It has been quite a few years since I saw you sitting on the road..and your hair has grown beautifully since then..You see daughter..I never could forget the sadness I saw in your eyes..and I see it there still..yet there is even the smallest light..Come."

He said simply as he ushered me onto the bus. I sat down in the only other available seat. Next to a large Panda. He was different..He looked different. He was staring out the window..with an almost bored expression on his face until I sat down, and he turned his head to look at me. His deep, rich voice washed over my ears and he smiled.

"Oh. Hello. Coming back to the temple to be bored to death with us? Good. The temple could use more women around it."

He was swiftly admonished by the monk ahead of him.

"Tang! Be silent! Enough of that nonsense. How many times must I tell you? Focus on your chi..not your..urges and instincts.." The monk turned his head away. Tang rolled his eyes and exhaled. Folding his massive hands in his lap. He leaned and whispered to me.
"If you ask me..Instinct is more fun."

I couldn't help but smile. I was so tired. I fell asleep somewhere from when the door shut and the bus started moving. Tang was the best pillow I'd ever felt. I would find out much later that he had put an arm around me and let me sleep against his chest. The monk ahead of him had tried to admonish him again but Tang had said.

"I am doing a service! The young lady is very tired and I am a good pillow! Like Buddha always said. Be a pillow for a head in need of rest."

He was swiftly told that Buddha never said that, and that he would be in for cleaning duty when the trip was over. He seemed to not care. I never knew he tightened his arm around my shoulder and simply held me the entire trip up Mount Song. When the bus came to a stop. Tang woke me with a gentle touch to my face and he spoke to me.

"Time to get up. We're back at Mount Boring, home to the Shaolin Yawning Monks.."

He whispered it to me, and helped me stand. He took my bag and let me get off the bus first and I stood in the courtyard. The lights of the temple burned bright in the dark and I exhaled. The old monk that had met me years ago approached quietly and spoke to me.

"Tang will show you to where you can kneel and pray..He is..here because he has to be..needs to be..even if he does not like it. I know that his purpose for being here will show itself. He is a good man at heart..Do not think him strange due to his behavior.."

I was the last Panda on earth to ever consider someone strange due to their behavior. I walked with Tang towards the temple and looked up at him for a moment before looking away. He opened the wooden door into the shrine. We stepped inside and he set my bag down gently beside the door. It was late, there was no one here but he and I. I stepped inside and moved quietly to one of the mats to kneel..and dropped onto my knees and exhaled. Stairng ahead I simply let my shoulders sag. I hadn't gotten a word out before Tang came to stand beside me, and then plunk down irreverently next to me with an exhale.

"You look like you had a bad day. You know, my day was pretty sucky too. I had to walk around all day talking to people about the benefit of a healthy spiritual life and how to behave and be good and practice the ways of Buddha properly and blah blah Blah. It is so Boring..Sure. They teach you Kung Fu and stuff here and that is very good. The rest I could live without. They say I am pretty good you know. At the Kung Fu part..The rest? Not so good. I am a pretty awful monk."

He said with a chuckle. I remember I couldn't help but laugh. I had been on my last legs when they found me. When Tang entered my life. It was unknown to me that it would be the best day of my life. Tang was big, and strong, and crass, and absolutely undeniably funny. I felt like I could trust him almost right away. I spoke to him as he sat beside me.

"My name is Mai..Yes..I have had a very bad day..I have had a lot of very bad days. I am very tired of them."

Tang nodded his head and exhaled

"Well. Mai. You are very beautiful. I am very sure you will have Many good days. In fact. You will have a good day tomorrow. The old man only brings people here he knows do not have a place to go. That, and I think he thinks you are cute. Do not think he is not a weird pervert..I know he is."

Again, I felt myself laughing. I exhaled and without thinking. Leaned myself against Tang's large body beside me. Again, his broad arm wrapped around me and he let me rest against his side. I did stay at the temple. I explained to the elder monk what I had been through, and why I was lost. He said that I could stay so long as I learned something from someone. So long as I contributed. I quickly said I wanted to learn from Tang. To which he appeared just a little surprised. Looking back, I think he realized that the purpose for Tang being at the temple had finally been revealed. It was me. To save me.

So, Tang started teaching me Tai Chi. They gave me clothes to wear, pants and shirts that fit and were not very revealing for which I was thankful. We made it about a week before Tang set his hand on my back during one lesson. I turned my head to him and he stared at me with an expression in his eyes that I knew..but it was different.

"Tang..you're a monk..and I.."

He cut me off with a simple shrug and a grip of my back pulling me closer to him. The practice area he chose was off a ways, easy to overlook. He spoke to me.

"What? You're what?"

He asked me simply as he watched my face.

"A beautiful woman named Mai who is keeping herself locked up in side herself? No. I know what and who you are Mai..You hide well, but you cannot hide from me."

His words made my heart stick in my throat. He was right. I had been quiet again. Later in life, I think Tang may have come to regret uncorking my mouth because I have yet to stop talking and he grouses about it often. That night, there in the grass when Tang made love to me. It was like nothing I had experienced before. His hands, his teeth, his tongue, his eyes. All of them seemed to want me. I learned that Tang was there because he literally had to be. It was that, or he spend time in a far less free environment. It explained why he was in fact a Horrible monk. I would sneak into his small room at night and slip into his arms. I would tell him all the things I had done, all the things I felt. All the things that I wanted yet.

He would hold me, and let the candles burn. He would love me, he would keep me. In his passionate and powerful embrace I learned that Mai was very happy with him. As I heaved my breath and looked down at him in the candle light he would look up at me, and grin. Holding my face in his large hands.

I was in love. For the first time in my life. I was completely in love with this man. Even though what we were doing was absolutely against his code and very much against temple rules. Neither of us really ever cared for rules. I had a history of living life illegally, and so did he. He hadn't been lying though, he was very good at Kung Fu, and other "martial" arts.

We were discovered eventually. The old man came to speak with us. Tang was fervent in his love for me. He expressed it with great fervor to the old man. Saying he would not let me go. I had felt ashamed at first of being caught. But Tangs defiance inspired me. I explained that I loved Tang. That he had brought me back from the brink of nothingness. That without him I would still be lost.

The old man said two simple things.

"Neither of you are lost..for any road you travel together..is home." and "You may go."

Just like that..Tang was free of his service, and just like that he had told us both that we were meant to be together. The next morning, we left. The old man had given Tang a bit of money, and he had a plan. Tang took my hand and held it firmly and smiled at me.

"Mai. We're going to America."

We did go to America..Tang showed me his other talent..Noodles. Let me express to you how outrageous it was that I was practically married to a Giant Panda who knew Kung Fu and cooked noodles..But I suppose it's also as outrageous that said Panda is in love with a transsexual Giant Panda who also know's Kung Fu because he taught her. Quite illegally too! We were accepted into the country, we opened our noodle shop..and it does quite well. Authentic experience, it's billed as. It's been..Six years. Since we came to America. We saved, and scraped, and saved..and finally I was able to finish my change. Much to Tangs glee, and my own. I am now fully my own Mai.

"TANG!? WHY YOU NOT MAKE NEW MENU!? I TELL YOU SIX TIMES MAKE NEW MENU! OLD ONE CONFUSING AND LOOKS BAD! NEW ONE HAS BETTER OPTIONS!"

"MAI! FOR ONCE! PLEASE JUST BE QUIET! ALL YOU DO IS YAAAPYAPYAPYAP!"

"I love you Tang."

"I love you too Mai."

Oh. By the way. I did marry Tang. He's stuck with me now.