Cleared all the pictures that I drew for him. I don't know what he has but it's not my problem. I just don't want them near me. He doesn't want to deal with this and I'm going to be free, eventually. I'm not letting the fact I wasted my time trying too hard get him to pay attention to me, hurt me. It might take a few months but I just have to remind myself that I tried... He hid... I'm deathly afraid of everything almost all the time and I tried my hardest not to let that get in the way. I tried not to let the fact I'm overly professional get in the way. I even canceled orders and wasted precious time to MAKE time for us... Gifts for him... The only time I'd get really mad is when I asked for something to make us get done faster... he'd ignore me and that time I made got lost... Doing things I knew I couldn't handle and don't want to remember... Him never showing up when I asked... Now knowing he doesnt even remember me begging him to come over... Lying to myself that one day he'll know how to just hug me... thinking One day the torture I've been enduring from others will be worht it...The years of fighting to protect him...

Useless...

He spent all his time and energy thinking I was aggressive... Running... Telling me he's hurt but not doing a damn thing about it... I wanted to pay I attention to him, believe me i've tried, but you have to understand that someone that's been raped more times than she cares to admit cant handle getting molested in such a weak emotional state.... Just looking to feel loved. Always thinking "I just wanted a hug, dont touch me there... I'll have sex with you if you'll cuddle me after... where are you going? Why didn't you come back?... Maybe I'll try again next time..."

I even bought him a laptop for school because a mac can't use excel... Returned it and only got about 75% of what I originally put into it... I couldn't keep it because it's not the item, Its the thought that counted and every time I'd look at it I wanted to die... So I got rid of it. I used to tell people, you never buy a boyfriend anything you cant afford... I guess fiancee is the same.

I have all the grey scale sketches of all the art I've ever given him and all the line art that was stolen from his van and I spent a lot of time painting them in water colors because I know he liked it... Hands stiff and swollen, fighting through it "I need to get this done..." I was going to give it to him for our anniversary but we didn't make it that far... I now don't know what to do with all this shitty art... So beautiful... so worthless... I don't have the heart to destroy it because other than who's in it.... It's beautiful...

We Werent just dating we were engaged and for years I've been afraid of commitment... June, 3, 2012 1:49 AM I decided I wasn't going to let a petty fear ruin someones elses life and I devoted mine to him. But I guess I was the only one... and I'll never do it again... With anyone... Because I was willing to die for him and all he was doing was ignoring me...

They all tell me I'm too agressive... But I can promise you I'm not one to fight for no reason. It's too much wasted effort... Antony said I over reacted when he cheated, Danny when he ignored me, Mike when he used me to get to my best friend, matt when he hit me and ignored me for games,Because friday raides mattered more than the fact I was feeling down... Jason because he told me to go kill myself... and now this one... for not listenting to me...

But yeah I am aggressive... clearly too, too agressive... and you know what they do to aggressive animals.

As soon as i'm free of this curse I'm giving it away and drinking till... I'm free... And I'll be joining every dog that bites...