I know you'll never read this. You have a hatred that burns hotter than hell for me.
But I can't help but continue to try, even now years after I thought it was over... I just want to help you.
Help you to open your eyes.
I am in no way being disrespectful towards you with this, I just want to make that clear.
Yes, you are correct, there were many things I did wrong in our relationship, things I wish I could take back.
but I was young and stupid as hell... and what happened yesterday happened, there is no changing it.
no sense in dwelling on the past when there is nothing you can do to change it. something I've always lived by... just promise me IF by the grace of god you do read below, that you will take some serious time to think about what it says.



Say all you want about what I did.
Go right ahead and call me a narcissist.

Because that part is true.
In my head, life does revolve around me.
That much will never change.

But I have good reason for that.
there is a lesson to be learned here.

possibly the greatest lesson that you can ever learn in life.
It's time to take a look at reality.

lets stop living in the world you created in your head
and take a look at the real picture of what happened.

lets not block out all the things you want to block
lets unlock ALL the memories and inspect each one in great detail.

now, looking back and remembering EVERYTHING, tell me you weren't controlling.
tell me you never threatened suicide if I ever left you.

tell me you never threatened to kill me.
tell me you never inflicted self harm upon yourself because I forgot to say "Good Night"

tell me you never told me it was MY fault that you physically hurt yourself
when all I did was care for you and BEG you to stop

tell me you never physically lashed out at me, as I stood and took it in full.
The list could go on for days...

I don't think you can tell me that you NEVER did any of the above.

now why did you choose to forget these moments.
perhaps you didn't forget them at all... perhaps you've just changed them.
Changed them to fit your needs.

why? because I was not your enemy in these memories.

you can spin the memories around all you want.
Go ahead, warp them so far out of proportion that you can finally convince yourself,
that I was at fault.

I used to do the same thing. I used to do it to everybody.
but the truth is still there, and the worst part is, you know it.

someone once told me, "you are the only one making your own life hard"
and I used to blame everything on everyone except one person.
The person I saw in the mirror.

once you finally come to terms with the truth.
stop blaming others and warping the truth of matters.

you too will one day realize that your own worst enemy,
the person that causes you the most drama,
the most grief,
the most pain,
the most anxiety,
the most fear...

the true monster in the shadows that nobody ever seems to see...

is themselves. It's you that hurts you the most.

and until you accept that knowledge,
I truly feel for you in the most sympathetic of ways.
because I know, possibly better than anyone.
That nobody can save you from yourself.



I know you have found someone else.
someone that will take care of you.
and I'm so proud of you. you picked up and carried on.
you started over, you found out you can love again.
I wish you two the best of luck, truly I am so happy for you.

I hold no grudges, I point no fingers. I just hope you have better luck with whoever you're with now. the four years we had were great, try not to forget all the good memories. and try not to forget/change all the memories. there is a lot to learn from the past. the real past, not the one you convince yourself of.


the intended recipient of this vent has me blocked so its honestly pointless for me to even write all this... but I guess it makes me feel a bit better inside getting it out there and convincing myself that there is a chance that you will read it...