I might leave the country.
Never come back.
Leave everything behind and start over somewhere else.
New name, new beginnings, new persona.

Loneliness is a harsh reality to bear. It doesn't ever get better, you just get used to it.

Every now and again my mask slips, and someone sees a vulnerable version of me. But for most people, they're not allowed to see that side of me. Not family, not friends.

In order to safeguard this fragile state of being i've fallen into, I have constructed walls, blocking out everyone else. Loneliness is the side effect. Healthy? No. I recognize this. But it's what I have undertaken as a measure of self preservation.

Outings, events, parties, game nights, I attend them all. However there are walls of separation between myself and my friends, coworkers, family, and anyone else. In a packed room full of people, all playing together, I keep the mask on, keep the act going, and play the part. Part of me wonders if they know its an act.

___________

The mask slipped the other day.

I couldn't remain in my apartment. The crushing emptiness was affecting me more than usual. On a whim I saw that there was a furry convention , AWU, in SLC. I've never been. I've never had an interest in attending. Why not, though. Pack up, take a drive, and attend for the day.

Car parked, metaphorical mask up, ready to head in. Camera in hand, I begin documenting the event and the attendees. Each attendee I photographed hugged afterward. I reciprocated after much hesitation. I didn't realize I needed it so bad. Someone else wishing me a happy day out of the blue. More hugs. The last fursuiter to offer a hug, I graciously accepted. Though, I was putting up a professional front as a photographer, I embraced them fully, and let myself feel.

For the first time in a long time, I felt I could lower my guard.


I felt safe.