I'm living through what I feel like is the single most important period of my life, and I'd wish to share it to others, and save it for the future for myself, to make sure this isn't forgotten.

I'll pass you the details, but - I've just went (and still am VERY SLIGHTLY going - ) through a pretty, PRETTY rough period in my life.
After a month of apprehension and being on edge, an eventual breakup came for sad reasons. Me and my ex are on extremely good terms and are basically back to best friends, as he's what I'd personally consider him to be my soulmate, and I am more than happy about that, and hope that can keep being the case for the future, as we ended things on amazing terms and communication compared to most relationships.

What this has caused though was a pretty rough first week composed of 30% existential crisis, 70% anxiety attacks, thinking about him from not a few seconds after waking up in the morning, to as I fall asleep in bed at the end of the day, the thought of the breakup not leaving my mind even once for the whole day, literal 24/7. If I was around people, I'd feel immeasurable anxiety and stress inside of me, but keep it bottled up (somehow???). If I was alone, I'd be shaking literally constantly on top of that, and at least 5 times did I sit down alone, think about it, and start shaking violently for ~10s, which I'm pretty sure those were short anxiety attacks. They were short, but pretty violent.

The second week, the anxiety and stress somehow left abruptly, and the existential crisis took over, leaving me more worried about my life in general, and with just mild emotional pain. It was still very much scary and stressful, but not constant shaking, although there was a pretty constant weight in my chest. During that week, I've made a lot, and I mean a lot of realisations : what I wanted to do of my time on earth, how did I want to live my life, who I am, what my true personality is, who do I want to be, how do I want to be, past mistakes, etc. I've made two big choices, which both revolve around the fact that I do not want to waste my time, I want to LIVE, I want to experience the world, be happy while I got the time, the health, the energy, the youth.

Firstly, I've always been ashamed about and kept my inner personality hidden - the fact I'm a furry, a femboy, pansexual (or bi or gay or whatever, haven't tried the woman DLC yet, and couldn't bother that much about having the perfect term for my sexuality), how I'm rebellious compared to others (wish to be different, not meld into the crowd, be different AKA myself, not a copy and paste of every other person), etc. Only two people in real life know I'm a furry femboy, and those are my childhood bestfriends who are just goobers and couldn't care less but make very lighthearted jokes about it, and I love them to death for it. This first part is to say that I'll slowly start being more open about it irl, try out new clothes to find my true self, and not be scared about wearing stupid thigh highs and femboy clothing because "others think it's weird" - FUCK OTHERS, :3

Secondly, my whole life has been controled by something I absolutely despise now : whenever I'd want to try something big, my brain would automatically default to using a set of reasons not to do that things : "X is too hard", "X is too tedious", "X takes too long to learn", "X takes too long to start being good at", "Others are so much better than me at X, why try", "X is too out of my comfort zone", "X is too scary", "X is too big", etc. You get the gist, it revolves around being scared about it. And today, I HATE it, not as in I hate myself for it, but as in I hate the fact that I've let it control me all my life. I'm tired about it, I'm exhausted about it, I'm mad about it, I've got one life, one chance, time flows and doesn't ask questions. The best time to start was 5 years ago, the second best time is NOW.

...So, I'm starting art!...
...
...See you in 5 years when I'm decent! x3 (nah but seriously, I'll probably post another journal to go into a bit more detail about that another time)

All this to say that I'm gonna become a better person, think about life more maturely, smartly, and ACT on those thoughts instead of only thinking like a dumbass. I think I've only turned into an adult now, and for the better. I hope people can see and genuinely recognise the improvement.

Mya out :3