I've been experiencing negative feelings about myself and my life lately.
Recently, my podiatrist lost his mother and wasn’t able to work for three weeks. When I saw him today, he seemed “fine”, but his sad expression broke my heart and made me cry a lot.
Then I think to myself, “What would I do without my mother?” Currently, she, my absent father, and I live together in a city where we've been residing for just eight years. I had made many local friends, though they have all since been lost. Whether or not that breakup was my fault, I am now alone in the city, without friends to share an afternoon or a mate with.
I have all the basic necessities such as food, a roof over my head, a bed, water, electricity, gas, and so on, but at what cost? Are we truly happy as my family is, constantly angry with each other, isolated from a non-existent extended family? I have no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, nothing.
If I end up inevitably alone in my house, what will become of me? Will I reach my end, in extreme solitude, without anyone's help? I know I have you on the other side of the internet, but it's very difficult, after all, not having anyone around beside me.
This doctor is left without a mother, but he has a supportive family, in addition to a stable job, but what about me? I'm disabled, going through several mental health issues. Medication isn't working. Exercise doesn't get rid of my bad thoughts. My breathing makes me hyperventilate, even while doing mindfulness. I eat whatever comes along, even though I hate my body for how fat and amorphous I am now (my fursona is a reflection of the young man I was before starting medical treatment, which deformed the beautiful body I had, like his). No job. No friends. I just lost a soulmate, the one from Mexico, with whom I fantasized about living together when the time came.
I'm… very lonely…
Do I really deserve all this, when there are people out there, many of whom are robbers, murderers, and corrupt politicians, who even in prison are accompanied by colleagues? I always expose my whole heart to the world, making myself vulnerable, being respectful, helpful, kind, sensitive, wishing the best… because that's how I was raised to love someone, be it in friendship, romantically, professionally, or whatever. It's very common for me to get stabbed in the back…
I'm also running out of faith and hope. For a long time, I believed in God in a very personal way, incompatible with any religion in the world… But, in the end, I think I'm praying to nothingness itself, because now, even with all the “blessings” I have, I am a very miserable person, having suicidal thoughts from time to time.

It's wrong for me to use this space for something so delicate, but it's the last thing I can turn to right now… I have to wait one week to see my therapist, but these things don’t have calendars…