I have had a strange 7 years since my diagnosis. I HATE that my life is ALL ABOUT MY BI-POLAR, but how the fuck could it not be?!? It changed who i was. When I had my first episode, IN BOOTCAMP, it changed my life forever. Every major episode since has just made my life MORE STRANGE. Every year it gets stranger, and i have to let go of more of my values to reconcile my experience with my frame of mind and my beliefs. I AM SO TIRED OF BENDING. I AM TIRED OF CHANGING. I get that life is all about constant change, but i meet people every day that have ONE set of ideals for their whole lives. I have to change my fundamental beliefs to match my experiences on a yearly basis and it is EXHAUSTING. I have to convince myself that all of the self-destructive behavior i have perpetrated has been because i didn't understand myself well enough. That i didn't have a good hold on myself. That i didn't enjoy the instability. BUT I DO! I have come so fucking far from what i WANTED to be that i don't even care what i am anymore. I WANT TO BE A NUCLEAR CONTROL TECHNICIAN ABOARD A SUBMARINE IN THE US NAVY, NOT AN IMPOVERISHED BIPOLAR WITH LESS FRIENDS THAN HE CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND. I was so close to that. I have been denying it for years and blaming it on physical stuff, but the truth is i had my first episode 1,751 miles away from home, with no way to cope, and my dream died. I have had dreams since, but I AM BARELY CAPABLE OF FUNCTIONING ANYMORE. I REMEMBER when i was 18 and didn't go through symptoms on a daily basis. I remember following through with the things i said i would do. I remember holding down a job. I remember having a loving relationship with my family. I DO NOT WANT THE LAST 7 YEARS. I don't want it. It is NOT a good enough experience overall to overwrite the onset of an illness that has ROBBED me of everything i used to love about myself. NO, I DO NOT LOVE MYSELF. I love who i WAS. But that person died in Illinois of Adult On-Set Bipolar Disorder, Type II. I have seen so many things. I have experienced a good deal too. I have immersed myself in people, and art, and psychology, spirituality, social interaction, many many MANY different jobs, and i don't want it. I want to be on my second deployment docked off of Japan getting ready for shore leave. I want to be able to go home and be WELCOMED, rather than FEARED. I want to reach back, and grab that sweet young christian girl and pull her into the future with me, instead of walking away without a word because i didn't understand what was happening to me. I want to be married, with a couple bratty kids i get to spoil when i'm home, and teach them greetings in 10 languages. But I am here, an another low that i could not possibly have anticipated, with barely any friends, most of which are completely exasperated by me. I cannot rationalize WHY IN THE FUCK it should be okay to be this way when before my diagnosis i was incredible. But that's just it.... i WAS... what am i now? i'm not really sure; i can't stand to look in the mirror. deep down i kinda know. i am DISABLED. I don't want to be. This is me. I don't want it. Not at all