Been here for a long time, first journal im posting. funny thing is im not sure why im writing this. guess to just put it down.
ive lived for a while, and ive seen and done a lot of things...both good and bad like everyone else. i tend to look back upon these things, not to obsess on them, but a way to learn. life lessons... i think we all have our fair share of them.
i had a sister once, half sister really. she passed away a few years back. she lived in a bad neighborhood. kind of place that when a car backfired people dove for cover. she said perhaps the wisest thing ive ever been told. the core of her belifs..."hold hope for the world but none for yourself" first hearing that sounds kinda depressing i know. i know ive told that to others before, but i never really explained it. be honest i didnt get it either till she explained it to me.
people tend to do the opposite of this..they hope for themselves but not really for the world around them not understanding whatthe word really means. she told me "in the short time on this earth ive seen hopelessness, in its purest form. ive seen people give up. i gave up....but somewhere im not sure where or when.. i started to see things so clear. i started to see the potential for hope. i started to see things in ways i couldnt before. from all sides and no side at all and all at once.i cant change the world for myself, but i can change at least one persons life and give them something precious they had and never knew about"
even after that i didnt get it. when she died we had the service in her neighborhood. i expected her friends, maybe a few others. it was meant for a day, but went on for 3 days after calls, people constantly walking in. i hadnt seen so many people in a long time.
what i heard in those days....the words of each person to walk through those doors. each story, the tears shed. people from all over showed up, from her neighbors, friends, some she never even met in person. each one though...each one had their own story of how she helped them, how she changed a part of their life. from NY where she lived, to california, canada, even an express delivered card from korea. here was this girl..she had next to nothing, lived day to day, check to check and a struggle between each. and over 200 stories of how she changed these lives. how she gave what little of herself without reservation. this girl who died before her 25th birthday...
my younger sister who i knew for just four short years, is my greatest role model. i try to live my life as she did to make a difference where i can. its not an easy road to follow. its heartbreaking at times. because there's always a limit to what we can do...even though we want to break through it. i imagine she hit this wall repeatedly. like her though i cant give up. i have to move forward. i have to stand by my belief that by following my heart and being true to what i know is right that i will bring my small share of change, hope, happiness, and love to this world. if god put each of us here for a reason, this is mine. i cant think of a better one. so i thank god for the good, and the bad, and everything in between...i thank god for the trials that have tempered my strength to be able to see like my sister.
i see the truth of my life, i see it in the ones that i love, that love me...even those that have hurt me and left me behind. you are my loves, you are my strengths, you are my tears, you are my reason to keep hope for this world


well, that was a lot of thoughts bouncing around my head. heh...one i supposed few will read, fewer still will understand, and well..few will care as well. but thats ok. i wont give up my purpose, or my reasons i love them, and thats all that matters in the end, isnt it?

smile loves,
Mitsu Lurra